Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Not moving to Missouri, regardless of whether chloe wants me to or not -- or, I actually may in the future, depending on her.

Obviously, part of her doesn't want me to move there.

I know why.

She's free right now, she can be with other guys, and basically do whatever the hell she wants, and I'll never know, because i'm a billion miles away. I'm kind of like her dog -- she can see me whenever she wants, but she doesn't have to see me every day and deal with me, so it's working fine for her. (except the distance is only hurting us, but whatever.)

Anyways, because of the fact that she wants to be "free", I just won't move there at all... or I may.

If she talks to me, and tells me the truth about stuff like this, and like, HONEST honest, not just what I want to hear, then I might consider it.. but it'd be under the condition of..

We'd just be roomies.

I mean, I guess friends with benefits too.. but.. that'd kinda just be it. Like, she'd still have all her freedoms -- and so would I. But if that would work, great. I'm just tired of this job, and I want a change of scenery... I want to go out, and go to clubs, dances, meet people, and basically start living my god damn life. I hate this small town, and I want to leave.

Before, I wanted to leave because I loved her so goddamn much that I'd honestly put a bullet in my head for her.. but right now, my heart is on lockdown. (real lockdown. Neena is locked away.) So I don't feel anything for anyone.

I randomly feel bummed about what's going on, but other than that i'm numb right now.. (I guess I just don't want to deal with the shock, that she actually told me not to live with her. Meh.)

I could be wrong about her wanting to keep her freedom, about her still wanting the ability to be with other guys (can't say I blame her tbh, I've been thinking the sameway since lockdown) but yeah.. if I'm wrong, then.. I don't know.

If she really does want to be with me, and just got cold feet, then, fine.

Me.. I want to go to ONE rave.. and... see if I like it. I want to start meeting people, hanging out with people.. doing.. anything. I'm tired of sitting around in this small town being online all day.. My life basically revolves around work and sleep now.. it's depressing. .__.;

Okay... I'm going to be honest about my feelings now.

I love the s**t out of her.. but .. okay. I know I put her through a lot of bullshit.. but she puts me through a lot of bullshit too.. and I don't know.

I'm worried that if I move up there, and we get into a fight, she'll throw me out of the apartment -- then what am I going to do? Where will I go? I'll have to move back home, basically. And since we get into fights over stupid little s**t like this -- and she goes that far, I don't know if It's worth the money and the risk going up there....

I mean god damn I love her, but she told me not to move up there because I had a bad day.. jesus... and then if Kiwi moves down here to texas, I'd have no friends up there..

She mentioned, "you can move up here, you just can't live with me", but.. no. I don't want to live alone. I don't like it. It's lonely, and it makes me sad, and I get dark thoughts. I like alone time, but I don't like living alone. That's why i want to live near friends, so I can visit them.. but if she doesn't want me to live with her, then it's pretty obvious she doesn't want me around all the time.

Sooooo yeahhhhh.

Pretty good chance that I just won't move up there after all.

I don't know where I'll move though -- I desperately need a ******** change of scenery.. sick of living in ******** texas.. Cali... I'm thinking Cali very seriously.. maybe Florida..

Hell, If I'm going to have to live like a single guy, I just want to move somewhere with good looking girls and plenty to do~