And I've been dying to get out, though that might be the death of me
I keep having these strange thoughts lately...well, maybe that isn't too unusual for me, but I don't know that it's even just thoughts. It's feelings too. And it's been happening to me for a while. It's like I'll start to tune out and feel like I'm living in a dream, or almost like a feeling of being hunted...it's really kind of creepy. O_o Or it'll happen in a good way, where I'll see that I have my cat or my cell phone or the internet...and I'll get suddenly really thankful because there was a time I never thought I'd have any of those. But since I was suicidal I've had the feeling I would die soon; so I was suicidal, I would feel like that, right? But now I'm not suicidal, and I still feel like that and sometimes I'll even feel really sick and say to myself I'm dying, and know I'm not. Now I feel like it'll happen in 2011. I guess it's due to the fact I wanted it for a long time, so now I can't get myself into the habit of acting like I'll live long; I'm so delusional I guess. I just don't know what to do about it; it's really disconcerting. >.>
And there have been times where I've 'known' something that I haven't seen evidence for until later...like I took a test today and prayed for an answer I couldn't remember hearing in class (According to a friend we barely touched on what the question was asking). I kept hearing the answer I thought it couldn't be, and guess what? That's what it was. That was pretty cool. And so was the fact that since 2007 I knew how the next year would feel to me, and at the end of it I'd look back and say I was right. For instance 2010 was amazing, and somehow I've known it would be since 2007. 2011 felt icy to me though, which I didn't really understand....but the closer it gets the more it feels like 'icy' really means 'death'. 2012 doesn't feel like anything.
I'm probably just psyching myself out with that year stuff; I know that. I just don't know how to get a firm grasp of reality, at least when it comes to believing I will not die next year. Well, next year will prove me wrong I suppose and that'll be the end of that. :3
And there have been times where I've 'known' something that I haven't seen evidence for until later...like I took a test today and prayed for an answer I couldn't remember hearing in class (According to a friend we barely touched on what the question was asking). I kept hearing the answer I thought it couldn't be, and guess what? That's what it was. That was pretty cool. And so was the fact that since 2007 I knew how the next year would feel to me, and at the end of it I'd look back and say I was right. For instance 2010 was amazing, and somehow I've known it would be since 2007. 2011 felt icy to me though, which I didn't really understand....but the closer it gets the more it feels like 'icy' really means 'death'. 2012 doesn't feel like anything.
I'm probably just psyching myself out with that year stuff; I know that. I just don't know how to get a firm grasp of reality, at least when it comes to believing I will not die next year. Well, next year will prove me wrong I suppose and that'll be the end of that. :3
And all I'm asking is for You to do what you can with me
But I can't ask You to give what You already gave
But I can't ask You to give what You already gave
