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Sitting here, again. Just got off work. I should be tired, I should be ready to pass out, especially since I have to work again at 2pm, but I'm not, really.

Everything from the past few days is wearing on me pretty hard. Read chloes skype to her friend, about how our sex is usually ehhhh.. which.. I'm not surprised by. It's not like I went snooping or anything either -- it was open when I sat down, fullscreen. Well that and some song lyrics that I didn't bother looking at because Chloe isn't the type to leave lyrics up "accidentally" hoping I get a "message" like others used to do.

Now that I'm thinking about staying up, I'm starting to get tired. Wonderful. I'm atleast going to d**k around on dragon age a bit before I crash.

I don't know.

I suck pretty bad at sex, I realize. Probably why I don't enjoy it. Or maybe I suck because I don't enjoy it. Who knows. Chicken and the egg thing.

Frost doesn't think we're going to stay broken up. Frost is pretty naive, this is permanent. Eventually she'll move on and find someone else, I think. Maybe. Part of me doesn't want to accept that it's actually over, but in my mind I know for a fact that it is. There's nothing anyone can say or do to convince me fully it's over, it's just a time thing. A few days, a week, I don't know. I upset myself on the car drive yesterday, thinking about other people ******** Chloe.

Neena told me, to think about it. "Get used to the idea. Get comfortable with it. It's going to happen, now that she's single." Which.. is w/e. We're not a couple so that's none of my business, honestly. She's doing a pretty good job at distancing herself emotionally from me, which I'm thankful for. I'm not a very emotional person, quite honestly; I don't think I'll drastically change. I'll just keep treating her the same as I always have.

Nothing I do is really romantic, anyways. The romantic in me died. My heart has been broken so many times by so many different people, I think when I had the mental breakdown, when chloe was doing drugs? I think that broke something inside me. I just became a goddamn stone. I stopped ******** caring so much. Maybe that's also the time I became less sexual? I don't know. I don't want to think about it. It's unpleasant.

So I'm defective goods. No biggie. Just keep to myself, and leave people out of my drama and bullshit. No one needs to hear about how miserable I am, or how ******** my life is, because no one cares, honestly. Everyone has their own s**t to deal with.

I'm not going to bring up the breakup after today, I think. Not with her. I think it hurts her too much when I do. It's like a child that we lost, the memory is painful. I'm working on getting my own bed soon, that'll make things a lot easier, I think. I hope. :I

I'll just throw myself fully into my games, I guess. I really don't want any other relationship. People used to tell me, "you'll find someone, just you wait". Well, I did find someone. What now? "You'll find someone else, of course!" Nah. I don't care enough to. I'm just going to go ahead and harden my heart now, at a younger age. Get it over with. Assuming it's not already made of stone.. which it could be. I don't know.

I really.. don't ******** know. There's no one i'm interested in, everyone's boring. Relationships are a lot of work, and I threw my everything into making this one work; shocker, it didn't, and .. it's no one's fault. Kinda a shitty situation though, working so hard to save something that died anyways. I've got 26 years on this earth, and I'll probably put another 34 here before I die.. I'd rather not spend them looking for someone who "gets" me, like Chloe did. I'll compare every girl that tries to date me to her, and no one will be good enough. That's just how it goes. When I'm happy with something, I hold onto it as long as I can, because I know once I lose it, I'll never find something as good. C'est la vie.

This is also the most regular I've been with this journal in a long time.. I'll probably continue using it every day for a while, while I work through my emotions. For now.. I sleep.