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I'm such a ******** masochist it's not even funny ********.

Checked through the history, saw her secondary facebook, and started freaking out inside because oh no she's going to hide things from me now, and why does she even have this secondary facebook? Shes' going to use it to talk about me, or talk to guys outside of me! Or maybe she's going to use it to post about all sort of -- and you know what? I stopped myself.

It's none of my ******** business what she does because we broke up.

She's been transparent with me about everything fully, 100% and here I am freaking the ******** out thinking I've discovered some deep dark secret, when all along it's just me being a ********. She told me about her facebook ages ago when she made it. I didn't care then, so I shouldn't care now. She doesn't really keep anything secret from me that I should know, so I need to calm the ******** down and shut the ******** up.

I don't even know why I decided to look through the history, like what the ******** is wrong with me? Why am I looking for stuff to be upset about? We're broken up. It's over. Time to move the ******** on, James.

I think that's why I used to jump into new relationships so quickly.. because I hated how obsessive emotional I got. I hated how I'd look for things and get hurt, and cry. How I'd stay up at night suffering. Instead, I just jumped onto another person, and completely bottled up all that sorrow, and pretended like it never happened. I found someone else to make me happy, and so I could "bypass" the grief stage of a breakup.. which... is not good, I guess.

I got so ******** lucky with Chloe, it's not even funny. :/ It's the equivalent of winning the lottery, how lucky I got.

I just can't do this anymore. I'm too old to cry. I'm too old to get upset, and emotional, and to feel feelings. If something inside me snapped during that one mental break, I really wish it'd happen again and break me for good. Just completely obliterate any semblance of emotion I have, and turn me into a full on robot. That'd be pretty damn nice, honestly; never feeling anything, never being sad, never worrying about anything, just focusing on what's logical and factual.. Sounds like a pretty damn great way to live, at this point.

I don't know. I just don't ******** know anything anymore and it's maddening. I know I'm allowed to grieve. I know I'm allowed to be upset, and I shouldn't just force myself to "get over it", but .. I just can't do this. I can't be sad anymore. My life is too full of sad memories. I'm going to focus on the good.

I might start drinking again, though. I really am thinking about it. I don't drink beer, but whiskey and scotch? OK, I'm game. Whiskey + coke was always my moms favorite. I might as well. Maybe I'll die in my 30s-40s too. :/

Seriously though, might just .. start drinking again. Probably a bad idea, knowing me.

I'm just sad. I lost the only person in the world I felt that I could actually be myself around. The only person in the world I could be honest with, about everything. I lost my one escape from the brutality that is this world, and I'm never going to have it again. I refuse to look for it again; I'll be a miserable old man, yelling at people and being an a*****e generally, instead of always smiling and being happy. Being happy all the time is ******** overrated anyways.

"But she hasn't gone anywhere. She's still your best friend, and she'll still be there for you." That's different, though. There are things you can show to a lover, things you can reveal about yourself, that you can't reveal to only a best friend. It's a higher tier, a deeper level of understanding you give to someone, and .. I don't think I'll ever trust anyone enough to let them on that level again. It's a Cancer thing.. we don't trust easily.

I'm .. yeah. I'm done.

I chose the one person whom I wanted to trust, and I chose the wrong one. Or maybe I chose right, and this was the inevitable outcome? Who can say for sure. I wish I could. I wish I knew.. /sigh

You know.. I know she hasn't been reading my journal, and I know she won't, either.. because I haven't used my journal in so long, so I think she forgot I had it.. so I can be fully honest. I've been being fully honest in these last two entries, but the first one was a bit "guarded".. but yeah. I don't know.

I'm just going to legitimately pour my heart out in this journal from here on out. I don't have to be careful anymore.