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Should've been dead on a Sunday morning
banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time

So. god. damn. true.

I'm getting better, now. I'm feeling more ok. During the day when people are around, or when I'm at work listening to podcasts, or when I'm talking to friends, it's easy for me to forget what's going on.

It's easy for me to pretend it never happened.. that's what I did when everyone in my family was dying. I actually laughed once, after my mom was dead. I said ding dong the witch is dead! I was drinking a lot around that point, but .. it was just a lot easier for me to joke about it, because it wouldn't seem as real then.

The ******** social stigma of being alone is what's really grating on me, though. If it wasn't ******** ingrained into our society that being single was "bad", maybe I wouldn't be so crazy when I am left alone in the dark. Maybe I .. .. don't know. I don't know, lol.

It's so easy for me to smile and be all laughs. It's easy for me to forget, but god damn, when I don't have a way to "forget"? When the thoughts sneak up and slit my throat like the dirty little bastards they are? It hurts oh so ******** much. I always said I think I'd be OK living on my own.. but now that the reality of it is here, I don't think I'd be OK at all.

Heh. I typed "I don't think I'm OK at all." Oh, subconscious. How I hate thee. I always talk about how I don't want to date anyone ever again.. but now that I'm alone, I want someone. I don't want to feel alone. Chloe says she's felt alone for a long long time.. and I blame myself. It's a horrible goddamn feeling, and it's my fault. I made her feel alone.

It's an ugly truth, and she's been so nice trying to say it was a 'mutual' breakup, but the truth of it is, she's leaving me, and it's my fault. We said it was no one's fault, we just wanted different things!

The truth of it is, I'm a goddamn monster, and I don't deserve anyone. I don't want to be alone, but no one deserves to be put through that s**t. I have to live alone because I'm a ******** MONSTER, and this is for everyone elses own good. No matter how desperate / lonely I get, getting into another relationship would be selfish, and irresponsible. Just like I can't have a pet, I'm too ******** irresponsible, and I need to recognize this fatal flaw, before I hurt someone else.

Chloes mom is right, she can do so much better than me. God damn, finally taking a step back, and realizing what a ******** monster I am, I'm surprised chloe is even willing to be my friend. :I

It doesn't help that I'm bad at sex, too. /sigh

So. I don't have any sexual desires really, and I don't know why that is.. and I hope they never come back, ever. I don't want to embarrass myself with someone new.. and I don't want to rely on Chloe for pity ********, just because she feels sorry for me. :I I'm not that ******** pathetic. Hell, some people are virgins until their late 30s, I'm sure I can make it the rest of my life now, having had sex and stopped, right? I hope to god that's the case.

'O Lilith, this is so ******** hard. Why is everything being stripped from me, Lilith. Why are the few things that I was so sure were always going to be there, being taken away? Is it just to prove that nothing is forever? Is it punishment?

Maybe it's Karma. Maybe this is finally it.. All of this, it's all Karma.. and if so.. I deserve it. I deserve to never be happy again, because of Karma. I did too many stupid things and hurt too many people.. I deserve this.

I'll just accept my fate. I'm meant to be miserable. I'm not going to talk about any of this with anyone else, now. I deserve all of this, and I don't want to make the punishment any worse, so I'll suffer in silence, as I always have.