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Well, Chloe admitted to banging that old guy a few times, it was incredibly recent, but her banging someone else didn't really bum me out, just worrying that I'm going to be left behind and that I'll never be able to make friends and do what she does did.

I've decided to legitimately process my feelings on the matter, and finally open my heart to her again. I don't think I've ever opened my heart again after the drug thing, which is totally unfair to her. She's been trying so hard and I never even gave her the chance.. and it wasn't because I didn't want to, it's because the thought never even crossed my mind.

It might sound dumb, "Chloe's having sex with other people, so time for me to open my heart!" and no, it's not because she's having sex with other people, it's because like the old woman said, the best sex is with someone you love, and chloe even told me sex with that guy was totally nothing. There's a few things she told me, and she's finally looking inside and starting to realize what she needs to improve with herself, which is another reason this stuff is happening (because she's discovering herself, and trying to figure out what she wants and who she is) which is fantastic.

I've just realized when she was talking about all this, that a lot of the reasons our relationship was starting to fail, was because I've pushed her away. I threw up walls and locked her out, and I need to stop. I need to forgive her for the past, because quite a bit of it is long, long past. While it was an incredibly shitty thing to do, it was several years ago and all she's done is try to make up for it.

A few of the more recent things I'm still going to be tender about, especially the Barry thing, because god damn that still ******** hurts. I'm never going to be friends with Barry again, especially once she admitted to me it was his idea and he was the one who seriously suggested it in the first place. A best friend would not ever do that to you, unless they legitimately didn't care about you at all.

That's the truth, too.. Chloe I don't really blame because she's going through self discovery, and while I'm upset that she did it with Barry, I'm more upset with Barry because he never should've even suggested it to my ex. I'm never going to be friends with Jamie again, because he was the puppetmaster behind all of it, showing an insane disregard for me and anyone else involved.

I'm taking my walls down and opening the gates, and I'm going to stop dismissing everyone outright, including new people and possible love interests that enter my life. I'm going to start looking, again.

A dumb thing I've been doing all these years is keeping my love interest sensors 100% off, and anyone that would even possibly approach me, I shut down before they even got a chance. I have to accept that me and chloe will never get together again, and this break up is permanent (her words) and the implication is, I need to finally start looking again. I know now that I do love Chloe, I love her deeply, but I have to accept that I may not be right for her, and I can't keep standing on the sidelins hoping she'll come back. That's unfair to both of us, and I need to move on.

This goes back to, "Why are you opening your heart to her, then?" It's more of a general opening of my heart to the masses, but she needs someone she can actually talk to and discuss things with, without being shut down. She needs someone she can feel warmth from, because she's in the same boat as me, still. Sure, she has friends in another town now, and she's even ballsy enough to have sex with other people, while no one even gives me the time of day.. She can talk to people, and having meaningful conversations with them, while people treat me like a cardboard cutout.

I don't know if it's because I'm unattractive, or if because I come off as a machine to facillitate peoples lives, but she's able to do what I can't, and I'm so envious of her it hurts.

I honestly never thought I'd need to look again. I thought I had found my one and only, and we were going to be together forever, but once again, I was wrong, and once again, I have no one to blame but myself.