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This is probably the most egregious I've ever made, though. Losing Chloe is one of the stupidest things I've ever done, and I knew I was going to lose her. I've felt her slipping between my fingers for a while, I just desperately held onto her because I truly do love her.

Opening my heart again was one of the stupidest things I could ever do, because I'm met with a crushing wave of depression washing over me. I don't feel like doing anything but sleeping. I feel like playing games is a waste of time, because I should be out there finding someone to fill the gaping hole she left. It's unhealthy, and I know I need to let myself just be single for a while to process, but it hurts so ******** much.

I haven't felt this pain in such a long time I had forgotten what it was like. I actually don't know why I opened my heart to her, or the world, especially after all of this. I don't know what my reasoning behind it was, or the rationale. It's actually incredibly stupid because I feel the full brunt of all this pain of loss now. I don't know if I was hoping to have some revelation about the situation I'm in, and if I'd suddenly realize how to make Chloe fall in love with me, or if i was hoping it'd lead to some revelatory experience that'd suddenly make everything okay, but all it did was make things 1000 times worse.

I'm thinking about closing myself off again, permanently.

I don't want to date, ever again. ever, ever again. I don't really like the idea of casual sex, though, so I guess I'm just going to be alone and un-intimate the rest of my life. In that situation, wouldn't it be better to not feel lonely and miserable? I think so. I might do it soon. I'm at the point where I have literally nothing left to lose, so I might start crossing points of no return, too. Maybe I'll just start doing drugs and get heavy into the occult, and watch my life spiral out of control.. it'd be more interesting than quietly fading from existence like I'm going to.

I think as much as I was a safety net for her, she too was a safety net for me. When you've dated someone as long as we have, you just .. can't ever imagine your life without them. Imagine waking up to an empty bed after 8 years is just lunacy, it's impossible. You're as sure they'll be there as you are that the sun will rise. That person becomes a permanent fixture in your life. We've literally done everything together for so many years that I can't possibly imagine what I'll do now.

It's my fault, too. After the breakup, I kept acting as if we weren't dating.. and it's because I was hurt. I was still hurt after the Barry thing, and it's because I felt that we'd break up as soon as we had gotten back together. I actually never considered us broken up, even though she broke up with me in december, which made the Barry thing that much more painful.

I've never been in a relationship this long, because I always find out dealbreakers, or the other person finds out dealbreakers, and we just aren't compatible. With Chloe, it always felt so casual, and so relaxing. I felt like I could just be me and she wouldn't judge, like nothing was off limits between us. I don't know if she ever felt that way, and if not that could be part of the problem.

I know it's a two way street, and my feelings alone are only one side of the coin, and that if she isn't happy she shouldn't be with me, which she's made clear she wasn't. I just... wish she was. I wish I wasn't such an idiot, and that I could've been the one for her. Maybe even if I tried my hardest, it still would've failed. That's a reassuring, although depressing thought. It makes me never want to try again with anyone else, though. It makes me never want to date again, because why bother? I don't want to dedicate another 10 years of my life to someone new only to have it fall apart again.

I'm probably going to close myself off again, in the near future. I'm probably just going to go full robot, and make sure that I can never open my heart ever again. Maybe I'll find a way to poison the well so my heart slowly dies and all that's left is a robotic husk. That'd be best.