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I was wondering if I was making the right choice, closing my heart. If I was making the right choice altering memories, and so I didn't actually do it. My actions were dependent on today, heh.

If she decided to not go, maybe she actually meant what she said about getting back together, and maybe there was hope for us.

Of course she went. Why would I think otherwise? It's stupid. What's stupider is me thinking I can actually ******** with my memories, but if I believe hard enough maybe I can this time. Just this one time, and forget how much I ever loved her.

I'm closing my heart to her and the world for real this time. Last night I wanted to, but it didn't feel real... today, it definitely feels real. I'm just caring less and less about what happens to .. anyone, honestly. ******** people, ******** emotions, and ******** everything. It hurts significantly less with my heart closed. Almost doesn't hurt at all. It kind of feels like being a robot, actually, heh.

I'm sad that she went. Well, ok. I WAS sad that she went. I was hoping she'd say "no, ******** it. I want to stay with you, I want to be by your side and I want us to work"

Instead, it's "eh, this new guy is far more interesting, I'm going to see if I can make it work with him." which..fine. Fair enough 'n all that, just don't expect me to obediently wait for you to come back for me like a dog. I'm moving on, and she constantly talked about getting back together (after saying we'd never ever get back together, rofl) but I don't see it. Words mean nothing to me. Her actions are saying "you bore me, this new guy is everything I want", which, that's fair. I'm not going to argue my worth.

It just amuses me tha tpeople in my life are constantly telling me how important I am to them, and how much they value me.. and then they turn around and s**t all over me because "******** you, james, you're literally worth nothing lol".

It's like telling me you'll never hurt me, then immediately stab me 40 times in the chest. Just repeatedly saying "I'LL NEVER HURT YOU" while stabbing me over and over. Your words are meaningless.

My walls are up, my heart is closed, and people are now nothing more than a trivial distraction. Good job, everyone! Your plan to get me to tear down my walls, hurt me incredibly badly, and force me to put my walls back up worked! 3nodding