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I've had 3 days off, and she's been working her a** off / sleeping / staying away from me for the most part for those 3 days. I appreciate what she's doing for me, and herself.

It's been good, I think. It's been allowing me to think, and heal. I know she loves me, and I know she's not sure what she wants, but I'm starting to question what I want, now. I of course have dreams about having to protect her, and dreams where she's constantly surrounded by family and all I want is to spend time with her alone, so I think what I want is pretty clear, to my subconscious, atleast.

I don't know that I'll ever get what I want, sadly. It's something I've come to accept, and .. I think I can be OK with just being friends for the rest of our lives. Obviously she won't live with me forever, but I don't like her bringing it up -- I'm not ready to be independent of her yet, and I don't know that she is completely. I think she wants to be, but I don't think she IS quite yet. I'm not sure, honestly.

I'm starting to wonder what I'm going to become, when I live alone. What kind of person will I be like, what kind of things will I say/do. Will I become a horrible, miserable old curmudgeon who only finds solace in his anime figures and games? I hope not. I hope I can be happy living alone. I hope that me and chloe stay friends and that we can still do friend stuff together, and when she goes on her crazy dates or goes traveling the world, she can come back and tell me her stories.

I'd love to be alongside her when she travels the world, honestly. I'd love nothing more than to see the world with my best friend, but I don't know if that's what she wants. She tells me sometimes that she does, but I don't know if that will change tommorow, so I just have to keep my expectations low and hope for the best.

I hope I can be happy, again. That would be nice. It was nice having the little things roll off my shoulders. It was nice sleeping a handful of hours, and waking up OK because I was actually happy to see the day. It was nice just having passionate and spirit and being so ready to do things, and having a drive to do things.

I feel like a deflated balloon, most days, now. I feel like a hollow doll, a shell of my former self. It's depressing, and yet I don't feel depressed. I'm just numb, now. I stopped letting myself hurt, because I was bordering suicide, and now I'm just numb. I don't have any drive or ambition anymore, and it's so depressing.

I wrote a review for Fairy Fencer F last night, and doing it didn't bring me any joy. It was just tedious, and annoying. It wasn't fun and exciting like I hoped it would be. I added pictures, and really put my heart into it, but I just don't care anymore. I haven't been focusing on doing the podcast as much anymore, because who cares if it succeeds or fails, right? I just don't care at all anymore.

I hope I can be happy again.