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It's a slow burn, eating away at my everything, until there's nothing left.

I don't really care, anymore, anyways. I have no reason to struggle against it, I have no reason to contain it. I've noticed myself becoming more cold, and harsh. More cynical, more calculating, and quietly plotting how to remove anyone who'd become a complication in my life.

It was a cold, hard betrayal, and it set fire to something deep inside me. I was at my weakest point, I had made myself completely vulnerable to two friends, one of whom I had known my entire life, and the other whom I was slowly becoming accustomed to, and they dealt a blow that should have killed me.

It is astounding, the human psyche. The sheer amount of things we can put up with, even when we think we should be insane.

This is after I had thought I had made a new friend. Some douchebag whom I thought I could be friends with ended up just using me as a joke, which fine, I was used to it by then, but it had done something to my confidence, my self esteem. The GamerGate thing happened after that, and it was another blow to my ego, and I went wildly liberal, I went in the opposite direction I had gone prior, because I was confused. I wasn't sure who I was, or what I was doing, and I wasn't even sure if I was me anymore.

I had finally thought I was finding myself, and I was warming up to friends. I was trying to rediscover what an actual human bond was, trying to develop a new friendship, even though I didn't really care for Jamie. He always seemed a bit pompous for my liking, too narcissistic, too "righteous". I oddly sought his approval though, like most figures who come off that way. I don't do it directly, but in a slight way I want them to like me, I want them to acknowledge me, it's sad, but I don't understand myself half the time.

So I made myself vulnerable, I apologized and let myself be open to friendship, and to people... and they went and did something that crushed me. Barry ******** the one person in my life I held most dear, the one person in my life whom I considered to be an extension of myself, the only person I had ever been fully honest with, the only person I truly loved, the only person who I had all my faith and hope in, and he ******** her.

We were broken up, so sure, he was free to do what he pleased. I'm also free to do as I please, within reason, so I have and will cut all ties with him. Eventually I'll no longer be his facebook friend, and I'll stop replying to his texts, and I'll vanish completely.

That's not what I want to do. I want to show him how much he hurt me. How he crossed the line, how he did something so ******** awful to me in such a way that I can never recover. I want him to physically feel the pain I can't rid myself of.. but I won't. I'll hold onto that anger until it burns away everything I am and ever was.

Chloe is just a guilty; she knew our relationship and willingly did it, but I can't truly begrudge her, because she was trying to move on. I can begrudge her for continuing to ******** other people despite seeing that it was physically killing me, but that's alright. It just added fuel to the fire, until I don't feel anything towards her anymore. I don't feel anything at all towards either of them, or even towards her ********.

If I had to kill him, I'd do it mechanically, systemically, shut down his body quickly and efficiently, not slowly and vengefully. I don't care anymore.

It's a burning fire inside me, where once was a calm and peaceful ocean. My inner peace has been burned away. My compassion, my empathy, my humanity, it's all been burned away.