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Chloe cries a lot, lately. She wants a decision right away, and I can give her one, right now. I can give her a decision this very instant: We're broken up. That's pretty simple, honestly.

A more in depth decision requires an inordinate amount of thinking and deciding how I feel. I've been thinking about a lot of things since the "break up", I've been thinking about it since before she told me she cheated, the cheating was just the catalyst that finally got me to stand up and say "jesus christ, enough is enough."

I've been wondering, how do I feel? Do I actually want to date chloe? What kind of girls do I like, anyways? What kind of personality traits do I like? What kind of girl would I date if I had the chance? I didn't even really start thinking hard about this until I started playing moe games and watching moe anime.

Seeing cutesy girls, and actually feeling emotions deep in my gut, feeling this raw feeling of happiness and desire, it's something I haven't felt in such a long time. When you spend so many years with someone, things begin to stagnate, I suppose -- it could be that or the rocky relationship we've had all these years, but regardless, having this real desire, this yearning for these women who don't exist, it really forced me to start questioning what I want.

Do I even want a relationship, or is the fulfillment from media enough for me? Do I want someone to be there when I get home, someone to sit with and watch shows with, someone to share my life with? Have I ever wanted that, or have I just been in love with the IDEA of it? I don't know.

I've been thinking about it so much.

I think about a lot of things, honestly. Today I might say, to hell with women! I'll be alone the rest of my days, but tomorrow I might desperately crave a partner. I thought about forgiving Barry in the past, even. I've thought about it a lot, letting things "return to normal", but then he proves again and again he literally doesn't care how I feel, period.

If I told someone "you're hurting me, please stop" you'd expect a good friend to apologize, and stop immediately. Instead, I get people dancing around how they hurt me. "Oh but you can't be upset, you're broken up, remember!" "You aren't actually hurt!!" No. You are not allowed to tell me how I feel. You are not allowed to tell me that I do not hurt when I very clearly feel the stinging in my chest. Telling me I'm not allowed to be hurt, and then continuing to hurt me regardless is not something a friend does.

I doubt either him or Jamie will ever understand that, though. They're buried so deeply within their own asses it's become full human ouroboros. It's fine, the constant reminders of him pestering chloe for carnal pleasures at the ever increasing karmic cost tickle me, ever so much. One does not realize how high the toll goes, nor do they realize just how quickly and multiplicatively the cost gets for these actions, until they're 50 years old staring into an empty bottle on the street wondering just how much pain you feel under a 18 wheeler.

I don't pretend these thoughts aren't satisfying.. but that's irrelevant.

Betrayal aside, I've noticed that since my mom passed away, and even a time before that, my .. self, had begun eroding away. I think around the time I started getting into serious relationships, I started leaving myself behind in the girls, and bringing parts of them along with me. Over time I become someone so different, I hardly recognize myself now. I'm looking back, looking at all the things I"m discovering I love now, and wondering how I strayed so far from who I used to be. I love this dumb anime boobie stuff. I love yuri, I love raw anime and japanese culture, and I love all the dumb terrible stuff that comes along with it. When did I forget that I loved these things? When did I start holing myself up inside and stop expressing my love for things? Why has it taken so long for me to realize this and break out?

Maybe, I like to muse, I'm just a caterpillar. I was raw, ugly, and untamed, and I holed myself up in a cocoon for several years, refining myself. I'm finally bursting back out as a butterfly now, ready to see the beauty of the world again as it once was, ready to live and experience things that truly bring me joy.

these are the things I've been thinking about, lately.

Chloe tells me she feels like I'm 1000 miles away, and honestly, I am. She's the one who put me there. She pushed and she pushed and she pushed, and I finally stopped chasing. I said "Well, if this is where you want me, this is where you'll find me. &that distance has been good. I've been reflecting, and finding me again. Rebuilding who me is, and becoming my own person. It's... nice.

This is why I need so much time, to think. I'm figuring things out, and I won't let anyone stop me until I'm ready to fully emerge, knowing who and what I am.