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I'm not actually surprised, though. Any time she goes to hondo by herself, the thought lingers in the back of my head of "I bet she's going to see him."

I know why, now, because she did. She did it after we had gotten back together, too, because he was "pressuring" her.

Again, I don't really care, I just don't know if I can trust her, period. Say we move to Missouri, what if someone there pressures her for sex? What if we meet new people and they pressure her into drugs? I just can't trust that she won't crumble and do whatever anyone wants her to do.

I'm emotionally distanced, though, which is fine. I will be for a very long time, I figure. I don't know if I want to break up, but then I don't know if I want to stay together, either. I just don't care, period. Having someone around is super nice, but I don't necessarily need to be dating them.

I won't lie and say it didn't hurt when she first told me, although it was a dull ache. Nothing compared to when I first found out she was ******** someone else. That was a pain like no other. I will never forget how much that hurt. Now I just have a sort of cold detachedness to me.

The funny thing is, despite straight up telling me she cheated, I didn't care. I just didn't care at all, because it doesn't feel like we're dating. It doesn't feel like something we decided together, it felt like her saying it and magically we're back in a relationship, like a on / off switch. For the sake of our friendship, I'll just pretend we weren't actually dating, because again, it certainly didn't feel like it at the time, and it doesn't now.

I wasn't planning on even writing a journal entry about it, it's such a nothing deal; it's literally nothing.. but I think I need to document this. I think I need to remember this, or let it out, or whatever it is I use this journal for.