Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

She said nothing happened, I believe her. I have no reason to not trust her, she's been nothing but honest with me.

I was honest too, in saying that I don't care anymore. I've been trying to not say it because it sounds so terrible, but everyone has let me down and I just can't even pretend to be surprised anymore.

2015 was the year that my perceptions on everyone got turned on its head. People did things I could have never in a million years imagined them doing. They may as well have ripped off their skin and revealed themselves to be dinosaurs, thats how much of a shock to the system it was.

It hurt, a lot. It hurt so much I literally felt like I was dying, that was a pain I didn't know it was possible to experience, I didn't know it was possible to hurt so badly you wanted to die just so your suffering could end. I didn't know that it could hurt so bad that you literally felt like your heart was torn in half.

I have experienced a lot of emotional pain in my life, but I have never experienced a pain like that. Is that what it feels like to lose a child, I wonder? A pain so incomprehensible the only possible alternative is death?

I moved past it though, and I finally numbed to the experience. I numbed to the thought of it, I became conditioned with the thought of the possibility and it no longer phases me. It still hurts, a dull throb in my chest when I consider it, but it's nowhere near the pain I felt before.

I'm trying to not guilt her or treat her like garbage, I do these things unconsciously and don't realize how aggressive or cruel I'm being.. she doesn't deserve my cruelty or hatred, she's just misguided, and I know this deep in my heart -- yet I have that dull ember of hatred still burning, still yearning to leap out and scorch someone until they're nothing but charred bones.

There's only one person who deserves that level of hatred, there's only one person who deserves that kind of anger and who deserves to be punished so severely, and I won't grant him that luxury. I refuse to even acknowledge her harmed me, to give him any weight in my life by implying he even has the ability to cause me harm or anger.

I'm trying to let go of this burning inside me. I'm trying to let it all fall away so I can return to my normal, calm self, and it's been happening, slowly but surely. I've been chipping away at it, and it's finally fading.