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I have no privacy anyways, and I think she actually finally ******** off and got obsessed with someone else so I can post in my own journals freely now.

I don't want her to move, I don't want her to leave me here to die. I want her to be by my side forever, I want to live near my best friend as long as I possibly can, and being roommates is ******** fantastic.

I can't tell her this, because it's selfish. I can't say this because it's not my right to guilt her into staying around.

I'm going to die in this town, I know. I used to have hope that I wouldn't, but this is a fact of life now. I can see it clear as day. I want to tell her "take me with you when you leave, let me go to new york too, just don't leave me here alone" but .. it's not my life.

I'm not her boyfriend. I'm not her lover. I'm nobody. I'm a nothing. I'm literally nothing. I might as well not exist, and I keep thinking every few hours about ending my existance tonight. I actually sat on the back porch with the gun to my head, and thought about it for a while. I thought long and hard, then I set the gun down and started smoking. I need to numb my emotions.

I don't want to be left alone, I really don't. I know I got jealous, and I know we need to live apart. I know it's for our own good.. but I can't live alone here, financially, and I can't live here alone, period, emotionally. The realization that I'm going to be completely alone and have no one, and be stuck here with my thoughts.. I'd rather just pull the trigger. I almost did. I really almost did.

I feel sick, and queasy. I'm light headed, but I'm also numb. My throat hurts, and my lungs burn, but my heart isn't pounding in my chest. My heart isn't telling me that it's going to leap out and run away.

I want to be honest, but it's not right for me to be. Everyone tells me I need to be open, it's OK to be selfish because I need to stop sacrificing everything for everyone elses sake, that no one will understand how I feel and no one will do what they need to, that I can't stop anyone from doing anything, but if I let them know how I feel, they might change their minds.

It's the kind of thing of "well I'm going to leave, but if you told me you didn't want me to, I would have stayed", but she's made it clear she feels nothing and wants to walk away.

That's fine.. well, no. It's not fine. It's ******** horrible, it's horrible to leave me here to die alone, it's horrible and I ******** resent her for it. I'm so angry and upset, I'm so ******** miserable and knowing she's going to leave me, knowing she's the only one who could possibly help me escape, and knowing that I'm going to sit here and rot and die.. it's ******** horrible.

I'm just glad she can get away, I'm glad she doesn't have to suffer my fate.. I'm glad she's not the only one who will be trapped here, because even though she feels like my only escape, maybe there is no escape.

Maybe this is a burning building and we're going to die trapped in it, maybe I'm the one who is stuck under a piece of roof and am pinned down, if you try to help me, we'll both die. Save yourself.