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she says she won't leave me here to die, she refuses

I believe her, actually.

just this once i'm going to put my faith in someone, i'm going to start believing. she's going to be leaving for 2 months, get a new car, get an apartment or something, and get a job. then she'll help me move up there.. or if nothing else, she'll get a new car and move back down here and we'll move somewhere else together, and we wont be stuck here anymore.

i believe her.

i've had this dream so many times, i've had the dream where i'm going to the airport alone, or the dream where it's been a month or two since we've been together and now we're uniting in our new apartment together, and she's sending for me

i like those dreams because it means i'm not here, it means i have a chance

i don't know what's going to happen. but if this is what we have to do in order to get better lives and in order to not live in this ******** town anymore, ok, i'm ok with that

it's going to be 2 months of doing everything with my dad, getting groceries etc. and paying bills, but that's going to be ok.

she said she's going to sell her car and use whatever is left of her paychecks before she leaves to me, to pay bills.

i'm going to be rounding everything up for my own sake:

city bill: 170 (high estimate just spitballing)
electric: 150
internet : 60
dad : 200 (but we'll have this paid off soon)

so that will be $580 / mo before my phone bill which is $100 - 150 depending.. so

680 - 730 a month

now we always split those, so it's really like 290 each per month, so 390 - 440 for me, and around 290 + her phone bill for her

I think if she gets like $1000 and her mom pays her phone bill we should be ok on bills for those 2 months, assuming we don't have a stupid high city bill. i'm going to have to pay my city bill alone (yay walking) for 2 months, but that's ok.

laundry, groceries, all of that ""fun"" stuff will have to be done with my dad... because I don't have a license or a car.. so that will be ok i guess idk

2 months of isolation will be """FUN""" too.. I already know how i get with my thoughts, and i know how my paranoia takes over

maybe i'll be so caught up with work and other distractions that I won't notice as much..

i'll just keep telling myself she's at work, when i'm home she's working and when i'm asleep she had come home and gone back to work, that she's not gone, just working a lot

i have other fears too, like the property taxes on this house.. its ok since it's the 2 of us living here, but i'll have to start putting money into savings to pay that off too, since i won't be able to afford $1500 alone.. my tax return is usually around $1000, and the ******** property taxes were close to 1700, so i'll have to save like $100 a month or something just to be safe, so once i stop paying on the laptop, that extra money I had will have to go into my savings until we can get this house marked as a homestead.. it's a dumb worry, and i'd rather sell the house than keep living here.. but eh i'm not able to

if she helps me get out of here, i'll be okay, i believe her when she says she's not going to leave me here to die

i'm just scared, i'm so scared she's going to make new friends and forget all about me, that i'm going to be a distant memory.. out of site out of mind.. i know that's just my abandonment issues and that i'm just paranoid of everyone leaving me, but i can't help how i feel

anyways im going to shower and play zelda i guess

i've kind of emotionally withdrawn...having the realization that i was dead broke something inside me and i just kinda became a shell... even if things are better now, im just kind of .. here. .

idk.. i just need something to take my mind off things because otherwise i'm going to keep putting the gun in my mouth and trying to find the right angle to make sure that i kill myself and dont end up with just brain damage

on the plus side 9mm is apparently really good for killing you, it's probably going to be incredibly painful and miserable until the very end but atleast knowing i'll be dead soon gives me some comfort

i'm not going to do anything, i'm not going to kill myself.. yet.. if i tlooks like i'm going to be stuck here alone to die in this ******** town then i might as well because my life won't ever get any better from here, ill literally be working in the shell the rest of my life because i can't escape, i have no way to find new jobs and opportunities, so ill just end it before i get too old and too comfortable in my newfound misery to do it