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I've been getting paranoid about random things, and .. I don't know when, but somewhere along the way I started just caving in to it- I started just giving in without any rationale, and letting myself get overtaken by it.

I'm fighting it now, and hell - I don't even remember most of my paranoia at work, but I do know I was worried about things that.. aren't true.

OK - I need to stop telling myself Chloe might love me or might want to date me in the future; that's patently untrue and she told me when I was most vulnerable, "I'm sorry I don't love you", those are her true, honest feelings, not just what I wanted to hear.

I've hardened myself incredibly against her, and.. I'm doing ok. I've actually lost all romantic and sexual interest in her, and consider her only a very dear friend, who I'd do anything for.

I did get paranoid again though. We were going to go out for Pizza (MAYBE) but I knew it was bugging her because she had plans (her guy was gonna get on mic & ******** her up p good son) and like, that's none of my business, I only found out bc I heard her through the door because she's so loud >_>;

but I started getting paranoid, "WHAT IF SHE JUST OBEYS ANYTHING HE TELLS HER TO DO? IF HE TELLS HER TO ABANDON ME WILL SHE DO IT? WHAT IF SHE GETS BRAINWASHED INTO LEAVING ME HERE?"

but that's not going to happen, because I'm just being paranoid, because I have very deep trust issues that I'm working on.

I just need to vent these fears and frustrations, and just vent emotionally. I know she's not reading these journals anymore, all interest in me dropped off the face of the earth.

It's kinda funny too, because at work they started mentioning "well Chloe doesn't like Chelsea because apparently chelsea was flirting with you" and I'm like "uh.. Chelsea has no interest in me o_o.." "chloe doesn't know that" and I'm like uh.. chloe is seeing someone else, kemosabe. they got kinda quiet after that, like.. well I don't know then.

Like yeah.. you don't know, homie. Unless Chloe is acting very different at work when I'm not around, idk. At home she's made it VERY clear, like beyond a shadow of a doubt that there's nothing. She considers me a very close friend.. but that's it.

I'll admit it stings that she has 0 feelings for me.. but .. no one does. I think she used to, many moons ago.. but she doesn't anymore. It was a lot of factors, like me forcing her into a relationship she wasn't ready for, her coping (poorly) with her dads death, and my trust issues and just general issues preventing things from healing correctly.. I think it killed the love.

It's fine. I don't .. need, to be in a relationship with anyone. I'd like to, and as I'm writing this, I feel terribly lonely.. but it's just not in the cards for me. I blew my chance at love too many times, and I don't even know if Chloe was "the one", but I do know that.. I'm done for. It's fine.

As long as I can make some meaningful friendships, I'll be OK, I think. I hope. I guess I could go to the liquor store alone and buy whiskey, and just drink heavily when I'm not working, like everyone else does. Icould become an alcoholic, that sounds like fun.

I worried about chloe slipping into that, because she has problems with addiction, but.. I trust that she knows how to moderate herself, and that she knows when to stop, and she knows her limits. I'm not gonna mention it to her, or hound her, because she's a grown a** women and it's none of my business. Besides, when I do a gut check, "IS THIS SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT?" my gut says "nah bro you're paranoid, calm down and relax. It's ok."

So, it's ok.

I don't know if I'm still going to kill myself or not. I think about it every day. I'll never forget the taste of gun oil and steel in my mouth. It tastes like liberation from this damned life. It doesn't even taste bad, it just tastes .. different. I kinda like it.

I guess we'll see what the future holds. I'm just gonna stop talking about killing myself, when I get depressed I'll just remember that taste, and try to remember the position the barrel was in my mouth so I know where to aim and where to shoot. Through the temples is risky that you'll miss what you're aiming for and end up a vegetable, where I'd be aiming it's pretty much guaranteed. I don't know how long or painful it'll be, but it won't matter because I'll be gone soon anyways, so oh well?

Hell, even if it's hours of suffering as I slowly bleed out... oh well? I'm dead anyways, so what's some pain? I don't care about the pain, just give me that sweet release of death.

Hell, if I knew where a ***** lived, I'd just rig up some homemade bombs and take us both out.

Ah well. Tomorrow is another day. I'm not going to end it yet.. but depending on how bad things I get, I'm glad to know I have an outlet.

I'm going to start lying to people, tell them I'm not gonna do it. Tell them I was just coping, I'm fine, etc. so that way if it does come to it, then they won't know.

I don't want anyone to know, I'll even leave a long note about how I need to just leave and restart my life, and when I get back on my feet and i'm in a good place I'll contact everyone again, and that i'll keep an eye on them from afar, and to not worry, etc.

hell, I might even do that and not kill myself, I don't know. I just need the outlet.

& yeah I'm so over chloe... she came in and told me about some new guy she's flirting with and was doing the voice s**t with .. which, that should have upset me? but I don't actually give a ********, I feel nothing at all. I'm amused at my friends life?

also listening to the doom soundtrack because she keeps saying rip so now I have to listen to rip and tear because it's so good