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My parents are gonna blow any day now. They have been fighting over money and bills and all that stuff for about 3 years now and each time they fight, it gets worse. My dad has threatened to divorce a few times...when they fight, they don't even go upstairs....they just walk aorund downstairs yelling at the top of their lungs. So, I go into the bathroom and sit in the bath tup with the blinds closed so they can't see me. Then I cry until their done and for some time after. So usually I'm crying for about an hour or two...it's even worse when they fight in the car or someplace I can't get away from. They did that tonight...I just shut my eyes and plugged my ears, not that it helped any...if they get a divorce that will be the second dad I lose. The first father, ignores me and never calls. Then one time, I tried to talk to him about it and he got mad and hung up. Then a few weeks later he called to apologize to me and my mom for yelling at both of us. But as usual we ended up in another fight because I just asked him why he never calls. He told me that I never called him so why should he call me? I just said that I never chose to be his daughter. Then him and my mom started to yell over the phone for another hour. She gave me the ohone back and sat there, with teh other phone in her hand so she could hear what he said to me. He started to get madder at me and cussing and a lot of stuff. Finally I told him that I didn't want to be Lovin Middleton. I wanted to have the last name Dunn....he told me I was stupider than my mother. Then I gave the phone to my mom and went upstairs. I choked back tears for a while until I went to sleep, then I stayed up crying for an hour or so. Now he says he is gonna give up childrights and then my current dad is going to adopt me. But if things get any worse, Bill, or my current dad will not be married to my mom. They will get a divorce and we will move back to California and live in another apartment getting by on food stamps and a two job pay check that my mom would get. I would only be able to help so much and stay in school....I really hope things get better, not worse. It's bad enough with everything else going on. My baby brother's death never helped that time either....then during the fall of summer my dad is going to Iraq again and I bet when he gets back he will find my mother lying adn the money issue bad again. Then they will start on a fight every night like they did when he got back last time....my dad even brings my moms father into it all and mix my dad and grandpa into it and you get two people with tempers from hell and my mom....not a good mix at all...things don't seem to be going all that great which is why I keep writing all these poems....not to get them rated, but to say something silently and without them knowing it. And now right now they are starting to fight. My CD player is on at full blast and I still hear them....I'm gonna write now as they fight, more yelling, and cussing, and threats of divorce...
Moonlight Rain~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She listens as the noise gets worse, Her mom just yells and her dad will curse. Her brother will play and she will cry, All the time she whisperes why. Then the sky gets grey and black, Here it comes the rain is back. She goes outside without a sound to watch the rain, It falls from the sky like all the world's pain. Then she sits and watches as it drips down her face, She wonder sometimes if she's another depression case. At school she's happy but only on the outside, The students there not knowing how many times she's cried. The hot tears swell up in her eyes, As rain and tears mix together while she cries. They will never know her true sorrow and pain, While they play with her life like it is some kind of game. Now she walks beside the beach, The answere right withing her reach. She stops and looks back at the fake happiness they show, She knows now that she must go. Her last words will never be there, But she's somewhere else and she knows they don't care. So she steps foward and into the waves and water, As the tears start one last time different from before, just hotter. Her body falls fowards and never comes back, Her heart was dead anyway and the color of black. She doesn't know if they will really see, That their daughter is gone into the tears of me...
Yeah that was it...I can still hear them fighting, but I truly doubt they notice. And, if they do they sure don't show me in anyway. But after they are done they will just go to their seperate areas. My mom will cry and my dad will curse under his breath. I don't know when it will end though. If I will cry myself to sleep or stay awake for the entire time. I hope I go to sleep...I'm not sure I can cry right now though....not sure at all. I guess I'll put the other poems I wrote during the fights...if I forget I will never know the true me for myself. Even if it does hurt to hold back everything these fights cause....
Life~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Being alive and living, are two different things. Hating your life, or hearing the stings. Deafening choices, and haunting voices. Standing in a crowd, and wanting to scream outloud. Wishing sometime to die, but never telling a sole why. Most just can't see, the anger and sadness in me. But there's few who can tell, that my life's a living hell. It's all in words, flocking away like unamed birds. I could go on but you don't care, so don't act like it, don't even dare...
Silent~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Silent pain, and screaming rain. Black and white, explain the bloody fight. Dying hearts, from unstable starts. Deomons wings, no angel sings. A solitary rose, and a crumbled pose. A little black line, that is very fine. Happy and depressed, neither being best. Don't try and talk, or you will be picked off by a hawk. Darkness now falling, on my knees crawling...
Life Snap~
Happy dreams, decieving sceams. Smiling on your way through, loving what you do. Little is there, but some just don't care. Life becomes a dry bone, as you stand there all alone. Your dad now a drunk, you turn into a juivenile punk. Your life heading now where? You don't know or care. You wanna go, just to sow. You've got it all, no matter what your called. But now your gone, and everything went wrong.
Losing It All~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hanging there, in the air. Dull and lifeless, sucked of all bliss. Once a happy kid, skipping through all you did. Struck and downed, into the ground. You can not see through, the darkened dullened hue. Less movement and action, light slowly becoming a fraction. Linguring away, from the dying day. To bye burned, that now I have learned...
Left Behind~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love helplessly shedding it's tears, revieling its secrets and horrible fears. I want you here with me, but you don't seem to see. I loved you very so, and it killed me to see you go. Your voice ringing in my head, now I feel so useless and so very dead. My heart is yours, always and forever even through our seperated doors.
Faces~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Money cars, and superstars. Having little time for whats right, not being able to sleep tonight. Now lost in space, with nothing but your face. Gun shots sound out, then comes a painful shout. Now your gone and I'm left here, you were mine my loving dear. Suicidal missions, violent superstisions. Together at last, away from our forgotten past.
Come Back~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Searching for, the hiddent door. They forced me from you, now I'm broken that's true. Love at last sight, on that one faithful night. I lost everything in the race, now I mourn as tears fall down my face. A silent chorus, seemed to play for us. I shot myself in the heart, the lonely one that you stole from the start.
Every one of these poems is attatched to my life in some way....but they have stopped fighting now.....unfortunately my tears hanv't. I guess the tears are harder to stop, but their are less now.....certain things go through my mind. Things that 'normal' teenagers never think of. Things that if people find out about, would put me with a shrink. I don't want to listen to any professional councelor tell me I am depressed, or need anger manegement. I don't need that crap, especially not right now. It would only make matters worse...they would tell me to try and be happy but my happiness, if any was ever there, started fading in 3rd grade. So did my ability to love somebody. I can care for those who really listen to me but they are the only ones...other than that, I basically act like a heartless b**** towards others. But a lot of other people have it worse than me. I know Carol does, from what I've read in her journal...I know she doesn't know me but still...right now though I really need somebody to talk to but there is nobody around at the moment....I am gonna go and try and sleep some....try....
~Lovin
Zombie Doll` · Thu Mar 10, 2005 @ 01:34am · 4 Comments |
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