• In June of 1989, William Shakespeare's sister Megan Fox grew sick of living among fans that tried to get to her merely because of her brother. Hideous and deformed, she adapted to the cold weather that the mammoths had flourished in, and traveled back in time to become part of their herd. By December of 1990, President John Adams reported to the Daily Prophet that he had recieved over one million complaints from Megan Fox in 10,000 B.C. stating that the cavemen were experiencing serious chemical reactions due to the vibrations from her cell phone. The reports explained in gory details that the cavemens' brains had turned electric orange and begun to flow out of their ears in incredible amounts of porridge-like material. Disgusted by the apalling and grotesque events of recent eras, Megan Fox begged President Adams to either return her to modern times, or send an exterminator to wipe out the cavemen. Great chaos erupted in western Austrailia at this shocking and repulsive news. The remainder of the world, desperate to join the violent negotiation, gathered in the middle of the Great Sandy Desert and began to argue in scales ranging from quiet disagreement to the old stink-bomb-in-your-backpack trick. Queen Amidala, who hailed from Great Britian, decided to take action upon hearing about the excessive fighting in Austrailia. Choosing intelligently, she sent the remainder of the British Navy to join in the war among the Abirigines' land. The soldiers had soon murdered more than fifty percent of the people gathering in the desert. Seeing what their fate may become if they continued to act warlike, the remaining percentage of human beings were calmed. However, there was still the question of how to rescue Megan Fox in her despair. The Republicans and Democrats split up into groups; the Conservative idea to simply allow Fox to decide whether she wanted to suffer in those early times or to return and suffer in modern times; and the Liberal idea to exterminate the infected cavemen to put them out of their misery, and to let Fox remain among her new mammoth family. In the end it was voted that Megan Fox choose her destiny, instead of the people of the world do so. They telephoned her, only to recieve her answering machine message. They left her a long elaborate voicemail reviewing recent decisions, then waited impatiently for her reply.

    Four years passed. Eventually, though, in January of 1995, garbage-man Johnny Depp reported that he had recieved a crumpled up piece of tin foil in one of his loads of trash. Inscribed in the thin papery metal was a message. It read:

    Ich denke, dass Höhlenbewohner inhuman sind und weg vom Gesicht dieses Planeten abgewischt werden sollten. Von Adolf Hitler.

    Thinking quickly, Depp pulled up a page on his Dell computer and got the message translated from German. It came through as, "I think cavemen are inhumane and should be wiped off the face of this planet. From Adolf Hitler."

    It was abruptly realized by President Adams that it was not, after all, the cell phone vibrations that had caused the cavemen's tragic deaths. We later learned that Hitler was behind all of this, who had surgically inserted small chips inside the cavemen's brains, causing them to become mildly ill.

    This paper has been dedicated to Hitler, who was executed for this terrible treachery on March 4, 1996. Born in 1438 B.C. and lifelong friends with explorer Christopher Columbus, he was a cruel man. Now we can only hope that he has found peace and meaning in his nessecary death.

    Meanwhile, Johnny Depp has been awarded 50 million dollars for cracking the mystery, and Megan Fox lives to this day with her mammoth family.