eliments

• Artist: Green_wings_14
• Description: go easy
• Date: 04/30/2010
• Tags: eliments

Jayle stopped in front of the cave and stared into pitch black. Comet shouted out, “Jayle come on lets go”. Wait comet I don’t like this cave. Oh come on Jayle you are just like mom now come on. Ok, fine let’s go, as they where walking into the cave comet and Jayle started sliping into something and then black.


Jayle, waking up gasping for air and sitting up right, oh good it was just a dream what time is it, oh no its 7:30 I’m going to be late for school. Jayle jumped out of bed and ran down the stares with her jacket hafe on and the tooth brush in her mouth. I’m ready for school, her mom with her breakfast plate, “Jayle go up stares and finish getting ready”. Yea dork, laughing under her breath comet was all ready dressed and with her make up on. Comet always put her hair up with a pony tail and no bangs. Jayle on the other hand had her hair short and bangs to the side and with a little make up. Coming down stares all neat, Jayle said to her mother (with no attitude) better. Yes now eat some breakfast and I will meet you in the car

Comments

[FoxyXNinja]

First paragraph, awesome. Second,not so much. Try to use at least nice spelling and use " marks when someone is speaking. Otherwise you can't tell at all what the writer means.

[CalvinRexx]

You were doing good in the first two sentences until you dropped the commas in the quotation. After that, it started going downhill. When someone is speaking, you should have quotation marks around the words being spoken, or italicized if it's a thought. It's really confusing if you don't. Also, names should always be capitalized.

All that aside, it was interesting. 2/5