• Nothing…. Nothing can distract me from the pain of my shattered, tormented being.
    “Be safe. Call me when you get home….” Those were the last words I had spoken to him. If only I had known what would happen. If only I had made him stay a few minutes longer, maybe he would still be here with me.
    I sit silently on my bed, a small metal music box resting on the black comforter in front of me. I can’t cry anymore, my body won’t let me, I am all out of tears, all I can do is let out soft, pain filled sobs. I pick up the small, silver, heart-shaped box in my hand and run my fingers over the smooth, cold lid, and ever so gently, trace the engraved words “Forever and Always”. I close my eyes as I twist the small knob on the bottom till it won’t turn anymore, then set it down on the bed once more. With trembling fingers, I slowly lift the lid, and a soft familiar chime pierced the silence like a bullet.
    My body begins to tremble as our song fills the once silent room. It’s too loud, I can’t hear my own thoughts. I place my hands on the sides of my head and curl up like a terrified child on my bed, shaking uncontrollably. I close my eyes tight, rocking slightly. I don’t want to see what’s inside the box, I know all to well what dwells inside the cold metal space. A week before, the sight of it would have brought me joy, and filled my stomach with the worlds biggest butterflies, but now…. it will destroy me even more, if that’s even possible.
    I continue to rock slightly, opening my eyes little by little. I can’t look, but I want to so badly, if I do look, it could send me over the edge. My eyes rest on a small paper taped to the inside of the lid of the music box, and I feel as if icy spears were thrust into every inch of my body, frozen from the pain. I’m dying, but I’m being denied the grace of being numb, not having to feel. Half of me is being torn away over and over again as I stare at his familiar face.
    His soft brown hair, he always loved when I played with it, it made him relax, so many times he had fallen to sleep by my side because of it. His beautiful golden brown eyes, so full of life and mischief, I always knew when he was up to something just from that small mischievous sparkle. His loving crooked smile, framed by his soft gentle lips that had brought me comfort. My vision of a true angel. I love everything about him, he’s not perfect, but it’s his imperfections that had put me under his spell. He wasn’t afraid of anything, he was strong, and yet, needles made him run screaming in the opposite direction. He wasn’t scared to be himself, but most of all, I don’t think he was afraid to die….
    God took my angel from me, put him 6 feet under the ground…..
    “Come back….” I choke out almost silently. “Come back…..” A little louder, a whisper now, louder and louder, until I’m screaming and sobbing through my tears “Come back! Come back!”
    I cover my face with my hands, ashamed of my current state, weak and defenseless, I feel more human than ever before. My fingers twist into my unkempt hair and I tug on it as I turn my face and scream into the blankets on the bed. Why? Why him? Out of all the people on this god forsaken earth, why did he have to go? Why did another persons selfish decision destroy him?!
    Wait….. god didn’t take him from me…. they did. If it wasn’t for them, he wouldn’t be sleeping under the ground. It’s their fault that he’s gone, that he is no longer here holding me close, that I will never see his caring smile. It’s their fault I will never hear his sweet voice again, it’s their fault that he will rot in the earth, it’s their fault that he is dead.
    It finally strikes me. All this time I have been blaming god, and blaming myself for what had happened, while they continue to go unpunished….. they need to be punished…. I lift my head from the bed, and run a trembling hand along my cheeks, wiping away my tears. A fire ignites in the deepest darkest depth of my heart, I feel as if all feeling is being pushed out of my body through my fingertips and my toes. Judgment day has come, and I am the executioner…. They will pay for what they have done. Feel my pain and my loss.
    I sit up slowly, staring into the darkness that consumed my bedroom. I glance at my headboard, the red lights of my digital clock read “1:37” in the morning, no doubt about that. Feeling around in the dark, my hands meet my lamp and I switch it on, squinting and quickly looking away from the sudden bright light. How long have I stayed in my room alone? One week? I don’t know anymore, I lost track of the days.
    Quickly and quietly, I move to my closet and take a quick glance in the full length mirror. I can’t believe my eyes, I have to take a second glance. Is the girl staring back really me? Deep purple shadows outline my bloodshot eyes, I have never seen them so bloodshot in my life. Not to mention my tangled mess of dark brown hair. Do I look thinner? Well I guess that’s not really a surprise, Mom and dad have had to force me to eat ever since I found out he was gone.
    I wince at the thought of him and my heart feels as if someone ran a dull knife through it, I feel more hot tears beginning to sting my eyes. No. I shake my head and try to clear my thoughts. I need to keep my cool, I need to do this for him. I grab a large black hoodie from my closet and pull it on quickly over my head. The soft fleece lining feels soft on my skin, almost warm and comforting.
    I glance around the room, searching for anything that I might need. My eyes rest on the little music box which had slowed and was starting chime its last notes. I walk over and scoop it off the bed, closing it before it played its last 10 seconds of slow music, and slide it into my large pocket.
    “There is one last thing…” I whisper softly to the silent room. I’m not talking to myself though, I am directing my words to him, hoping that he is somehow with me, listening to me, watching over me. “I’m doing this for you….”
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    The fire is burning in my chest again, my body is trembling from anger and adrenaline. It all ends tonight. The cards are on the table and I am all in. No turning back now, I’ve come too far to give up. I squint through the rain splattered windshield as I slowly make my way through the empty streets. The sky lit up with a large branch of speeding white lightning, a few seconds later there was the low, steady rumble of thunder. My heart is racing, I’m almost there, just one more block.
    “I’m doing this all for you…” I whisper over and over again into the darkness. “If you are watching me, if you are listening, I am doing this because I love you, because you didn’t deserve to die….”
    There is another flash of lightning and I jump slightly as a huge crash of thunder reaches my ears. I’m here…. it’s time…..
    I sit in the car for a moment in front of the lightless house. trying to get my trembling under control, after I finally get a hold of myself, I look over at the front door. It all ends here. I grab the door handle and open it, stepping out into the pouring rain with both hands in my hoodie pocket, the silver music box cold against my fingers, the other thing grasped tightly in my right hand.
    I stride quickly across the front lawn and dash up the concrete steps of the front porch. This is it…. I pound on the door rapidly with my left fist. Surely they would be sleeping at 3 in the morning, but I don’t care, I can not wait. My heart jumps slightly as the porch light comes on and I take one small step back, my body trembling out of control.
    Finally, a tired looking man answers the door in his night clothes, his eyes are bloodshot like mine and his face is somewhat sunken in. “Can I help you?” He says weakly. He looks so fragile, like he will collapse at any moment, but as soon as my eyes meet his, the flaming rage inside me instantly turned into an inferno of hate and pain. I hate this man. It’s his fault, all his fault. He took him from me, he killed the man I love more than life itself. He destroyed my angel, my world…. my reason for living.
    My face grows hot and I quickly grab him by the front of his shirt. Fueled by rage, I throw him down the cement steps of his home and onto the front lawn. His scream of surprise and fear adds kindle to the inferno and I quickly follow.
    I stand with one foot in the middle of his back and start screaming at him. “It’s all your fault! You killed him! Your stupid decision took him from me!” My eyes sting as hot tears fall quickly from them. Tears of anger, fear, sadness and pain….
    The man shifts his body quickly away from me and I take a quick step back as he jumps to his feet. He’s most likely in his early thirties and quite a bit taller then me. “What the hell are you doing?!” He yells at me, taking a few steps forward, but just as he moves within arms length of me, I quickly place the hand gun from my hoodie pocket to a soft spot under his jaw. His eyes grow wide with fear and he instantly begins to tremble, while I also begin to shake violently, but with rage.
    “Don’t touch me…..” I whisper coldly, my words cutting like razors made of ice. The rain was still pouring down and there is a flash of light and a crack of thunder. “Y-you….. You did this to me…..”
    His legs collapse underneath him and he drops to his knees, covering his head with his arms, I hear sobs of fear and anguish escape the mans lips. “I-I’m Sorry!” He whimpers over and over again as I place the gun to the back of his head. “I’m Sorry! P-Please Listen To Me!”
    “SHUT UP!!!” I scream in rage, tears still falling from my burning eyes. “JUST SHUT UP, GOD DAMN IT!!!” I quickly point the gun into the air and fire a shot, the loud ringing of it lingering in my ears. I point it at him again, my body shaking so much that I would surely miss, even at point blank, but I don’t care, I’m going to end his miserable life.
    “He Didn’t Deserve To Die!” He yelled as he dropped down flat onto the wet grass “It kills me to think that an innocent life was taken because of me!”
    What he says shocks me. I feel as if ice has incased my rain soaked body. I continue to tremble, but his words have rendered me silent.
    “I should have never insisted on driving! You think that I don’t regret it! I haven’t slept or ate since that night! I’m a monster! I’m an evil, selfish, heartless killer!” He shouted as the sound of sirens began approaching. “I was stupid! ‘I’ll be fine to drive.’ I said to my friends as they offered to take me home! If only I had known that I would jump the barrier and destroy an innocent person! I never would have went anywhere near my car after drinking that night! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”
    I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Tears continue to stream down my surprise struck face. What is happening? Why can’t I kill him? It seemed so easy at first, but now I’m frozen, the inferno quickly being extinguished by ice cold grief. What have I done?
    Several police vehicles skid to a halt on the street, and armed officers quickly climb out. I can feel their guns pointing at my back as I continue to point my own at the back of the mans head. What is wrong with me? Just do it! What the hell is wrong with me?! Have I gotten cold feet? Or could it be that I am just as pitiful as the grief stricken man laying on the rain soaked grass in front of me?
    “DROP THE WEAPON!” I hear the officers yell at me, warning me. Pathetic. The one word that comes to mind. Pathetic like me….. He would never have wanted me to do this. I am throwing my life away, only to relieve this pathetic mans suffering. Killing him would only be a service, I can see his suffering as he cowers on the ground in front of me, the memories of his actions tormenting every fiber of his being. Letting him live with those memories will be a greater punishment then death.
    “I SAID DROP THE GUN! WE DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO FIRE!”
    I am now faced with a decision….. I messed up worse then I could have ever imagined…. I can’t face the world anymore after this. If I give up, they will throw me into the mental hospital. Force me to take medications to help me with these “Homicidal tendencies”. Put me in a straight jacket…. They will lock me up and throw away the key. I whisper softly, for him and the man to hear. “I’m so sorry….” I then slowly turn and aim the gun at one of the five officers.
    Almost instantly I hear the loud sounds of gun fire and I feel the searing pain of 3 bullets penetrating my body. One through my left leg, one through my right shoulder, and one through my right ribcage, piercing my lung. It hurts more then anything I have ever felt and I drop to the cold wet grass, the small silver music box tumbling from my pocket and onto the ground beside me. It rolls slightly and the shimmering lid opens. The soft slow musical chime fills the air. I cough and I can taste blood as it slowly trickles out of the corner of my mouth. I stare at the box in front of me, his picture staring back…… smiling… Everything is fading…. the pain isn’t so bad anymore, but my vision is beginning to grow dim. I let out a soft weak laugh “L-looks like I‘ll be joining you…”
    I exhale softly as the last soft notes of the song die, and the world I once lived in fades to black silence…..