And here it is. I decided to do this because big things happened to me then and I want them to be here as well. I will post this as a clump, but it will all be dated and maybe color coded.
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8/16/07 1:19pm
Yesterday was the anniversary of my uncle Mark's death. It has been year now and still hard to believe that he isn't around anymore. As each day passes, I get even more worried that this is only the beginning of a chain of something larger. I hope that it isn't. I don't think I could stand losing someone else. I have already lost five people to death in my life and I am only fifteen. I can only hope that they are watching down on my family from the heavens. I can't help but feel guilty right now. I didn't think about my uncle much at all yesterday. I guess I am afraid of breaking down again. I don't want to cry about it anymore, but the mourning period is never really over when you don't have someone in your life anymore. I can't help but think that I am not a good enough person. Yesterday, my sister had a break down and all I did was make a Pac Man and dots out of wax.
My mom is probably the person who was effected the most out of all of this. And my cousin Alex. I just feel so cut off from everything. I don't know if I am ready to face anyone anymore. The new school year is coming up and I am afraid to go. I'm not sure I am ready to meet back up with the world yet. This past summer has been slow but productive, I guess. I made up with a friend that I really shouldn't have broken away from in the first place. We are closer than ever, even if we barely see each other. It's our family now that doesn't feel that we should be friends anymore and I don't want to deal with what people at school will say. I'm sick of people judging me, but I know it won't ever stop.
Today I'm going to my mom's company picnic and really, I don't want to go. I don't feel in the mood. I was hoping we would be going to Como like we usually do but no, we're going to Bunker Beach. I don't want to go to a beach, I don't want to be near the water. I don't want to really be around people right now, but no, my mom doesn't get that. And I had previously made plans for today and she made me un-make them. The only thing I am looking forward to is the fact that there will be food there. And all of her co-workers are probably going to be saying things like 'Oh, you're getting so big'. It happens every year. And the only person my age that will be there will probably be my sister. And I am really not in the mood for much today.
Bad memories fill the place that I am going to.
I feel like crying. But I can't now. I don't have the time. I have to get get ready to look happy and presentable in front of my mom's co-workers.
7/23/07 11:20am
I had a very strange dream a couple of nights ago. I was at this school. It was like a dorm school but the students would sleep in the classrooms and leave all of their personal belongings in their lockers. Which were in the classrooms. I was with what I guess were my friends. Not in the real world, for I had never seen those people before. So I got up to go to my locker and I was digging through it and putting stuff in when someone started blowing on my neck. I expected it to be one of my friends so I turned around to tell them to knock it off and there was a boy that I haven't seen since the fifth grade. That was really strange. Back in the fifth grade, I had a mondo crush on him and then he left the school. I haven't thought about him since, say, the sixth grade? I was still hung up on him then. He had crossed my mind a couple of times like during the death of my teacher/mentor, when my friend mentioned that he lived near where I do, and when a friend and I were reminiscing. But that was minor and far between. Then I had that dream about it him and it made me miss him. For the sake of being ridiculed by anyone who may actually know who I am talking about, I'm going to leave names out of this. It was so bizarre that I wrote a poem about it. You know what? I think I am going to put it in here. I have to go get it, though. >.<;
Dreaming
Falling from the starry heavens,
describing what you see.
It is just one endless dream.
Or so it seems.
When reality and make believe begin to mix.
Is it real?
Or is it simply fantasy?
When you remember one from a lost past,
is that really who you see?
Or is it someone who you are wishing them to be?
When you long to know.
Was it a mistake to let them walk away?
Was it a mistake saying what you wanted to say?
Is it wrong to be thinking of them now,
after you have parted for so long?
Do they still remember you?
Was there more than you could see?
When they are dragged back,
are they who you remember them to be?
Or are they someone else?
Do you feel you have been left behind?
Or maybe...
Maybe they feel that way, too.
Maybe it wasn't just you.
Maybe they missed you,
just as much as you missed them.
Maybe they,
Maybe you,
Maybe I...
I miss you.
Years have passed and I still remember you.
Was it wrong to do the things I did?
Was it wrong not to say how I felt?
How I feel.
I'm afraid to see you again,
but I want to know.
How you have been,
how you are living,
how you may feel.
As I write, I remember.
You have invaded my dreams,
how I wish they weren't merely fantasy.
Maybe you don't know either.
Maybe you are falling from the starry heavens,
thinking about what you see.
Maybe you felt the same way.
Maybe you still see,
the difference between reality and fantasy.
And I wish you could know,
whether you are flying or falling,
that I miss you.
May these words reach you,
wherever you may be.
And what a nice ending that makes. That poem took up one double sided page and a line of a notebook to write. >.<
Leaving this now,
Megan
6/10/07 1:40 pm
How long has it been since I wrote in this thing? A very long time, that is how long. So much has happened since my whole 'my uncle is dying/dead' phase. To sum it all up; I stopped being friends with a girl that I had known since I was in third grade, she didn't really seem to get the point so I told her in a very mean and unnessecary way to back off and leave me alone. And I got suspended for it. After about two months we randomly started talking again. I had my fifteenth birthday party, which was okay. I got broken up with by a guy who really only wanted to date one of my friends. I don't care who tells me what, I know what I do and I am confident about that. I feel like everyone has been lying to my for the past couple of years but I am now only realizing it. And really, life has a fabulous way of biting me in the a**. School ends in two days, which is good. And I will be busy all through the summer. I have a job babysitting one baby three days a week for $60 a week and a training group that I will go to once a week on Mondays from 5-7:30 pm. At the end of the training I get $500. I don't have the internet anymore so I will be getting on even less over the summer vacation. Unless I go to my uncle's house a lot. I'll be coming back to my Uncle's next weekend so I will be able to get online so that is good and I have no intention of formating this enrty what-so-ever. I have two finals done(my Economics and French Finals), I still have to do/finish my Biology, English, and Algebra final. I doubt I will have a gym final but I will have to sit in my disgustingly hot gymnasium for two hours straight. My school doesn't have air conditioning, by the way. I have no food in my house so we have been living on practically nothing for the past week. My mom's worthless fiance is just a waste of space who likes picking fights with our already unbearable neighbors and I fell like jumping off of a cliff. Yeah, I'm done. My fingers are cramping up because I didn't take any pauses or anything when I wrote this. I don't give a flying ******** if there are a million typos. I'm done. It isn't like anyone is going to read this anyway. I will leave you, and myself, with this question:
What really matters anymore?
Megan
10/18/06 9:55pm
A Tribute
It was my uncle's birthday today. It has been about two months since he passed away. My sister is over at her friend's house, Erin came over, my brother is here, my mom is here and I, of course, am here. My Mom played the Begees. It was my uncle's favorite band. We listened to that and shot of bottle rockets. It was freezing as hell, but it wasn't so bad.
I miss him so much. It makes me want to cry, but I don't know if I can anymore. I don't want anyone else to be upset anymore and I know if I cry, they will cry, too. I don't want to see my mom cry anymore. She just barely got over it and I don't want to get her back into it again. I miss him like crazy and it hurts so much. I really wish he could be here right now.
I remember one of his birthdays my Uncle Mark came over to my Mom's apartment. I gave him one of my favorite teddy bears. I was about seven years old. My mom gave him a pipe and some alcohol I think, and my sister gave him a card. My uncle cut a small hole in the teddy bear's mouth and put the pipe in it. He put the bottle next to the bear. That was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
There will always be the happy moments and I don't want to dwell on those last hours that he lived. I went to the hospital at about 9:30 pm that night and didn't go home until 2:30 am. I went back to the hospital at 5:00 am and stayed there until about 4:00 pm before going to his residence. They took him off of life support at 'high noon.' I remember that all too clearly. That small hospital room was crammed with so many crying people...
Well anyway, It was my uncle's birthday today and I'm just here typing to wish him a happy one, wherever he may be right now. Happy birthday, Uncle Mark. Love you!
8/16/06 6:13pm
Some of my family from over west have come here to Minnesota. It's nice to see them. My cousin Sam is here, my cousin Laura and my aunt Sandy are here. We're all at my uncle Scott's house and it's pretty cool. My cousin Alex and his girlfriend Holly came over soon after that. My brother's ex girlfriend Erin came over, too. She's like my sister. My mom and my sister are here too, of course. And, of course, my uncle Scott and my Aunt Jenny are here. It's like a family reunion. It's just so sad that it has to be for a funeral. As my aunt Jenny says, "Funerals and weddings."
Well, here is a fun fact. Kind of. My sister and I were talking. We were talking about Final Fantasy VII. Then she said that my cousin Sam reminded her of Cid and that he should have voiced over Cid in the Advent Children movie. I agreed because, well, it's true. It's awesome because it feels like Cid is standing in the living room with me. It's just...wow. I can't get over it.
Here is some good news. This is the first time I've been genuinely happy for the first time in a good couple of months. I will miss this. Defiantly. I'm done for right now.
8/15/06 3:46pm
Okay...
It has happened. My uncle has passed on. He died yesterday at about 12:10 P.m. I think his funeral is going to be on Thursday.
I'm pretty depressed right now, but I'm not going to bring you guys down with me. I'll try to at least act happy.
Let me tell you, I have never seen a grown man cry like that before. My cousin Alex just started sobbing and wailing. Everyone was just patting him on the back and stuff. They were all like, 'it's going to be okay.' when we were watching my uncle die. i couldn't take it. I walked over to him and I gave him a hug. I held him until he stopped crying. Someone has to be there for others, right?
8/14/06 5:52am
Hello people.
It's been awhile since I wrote in my journal, but something very life changing is happening to me. Two things as a matter of fact. But one is defiantly more important than the other.
My uncle is in the hospital. His liver failed sometime on Sunday. I stayed at the hospital until one this morning then went home and slept for six hours. Now I'm going to go back because my uncle isn't doing too well and I have to visit him again.
Second, and whoop-dee-do, I'm starting high school in about two weeks. But that's really not what's on my mind right now.
I have to go now, so, if I know you in the real world, I'll talk to you and call you and stuff and if I know you here on Gaia, I'll PM You whenever I get the chance. Things are going to get hectic really soon, so don't expect much from me.
6/29/06 1:36pm
Holy cow, it's been forever since I wrote in my journal. Wowwy. Anyways, let me tell you how I have been. To summarize it all up into one word, horrible. I have been horrible. I have had bouts of depression. I woke up this morning in a good mood then Shayna(my sister) shot it away by putting me down. She doesn't even know and I don't plan on telling her. If you know my sister, you'll know why. I'm hoping that getting out of my house and seeing some friends will put me in a better mood. I'm going to The Taste Of Minnesota on Saturday, so that's something. I'm (well, i better be) going to a place called The Source, but I don't really plan on playing the TCG I go there for. I feel really crappy right now, so if you talk to me and I'm out of it, don't get too upset.
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If I wasn't so lazy, I would fix the coloring. But I am lazy and I don't want to redo all of that so screw it. xP
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[i:c91fd492be]
And I don't feel the need to go on
I was happier singing along the way
I had things, I need to say
But now it's like a swallowed tape
That holds up my face from inside
[/size:c91fd492be][/i:c91fd492be][/align:c91fd492be][/color:c91fd492be]
And I don't feel the need to go on
I was happier singing along the way
I had things, I need to say
But now it's like a swallowed tape
That holds up my face from inside
[/size:c91fd492be][/i:c91fd492be][/align:c91fd492be][/color:c91fd492be]