Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

i'm going to go humicidle, and i'm not afraid of jail, just wil teach those chicks who is the one with the final word.
I'm gonna leave this place i call home, and forget about those i know
i'm going to dropp out of school and just becomea dead beat liek everyone expects me to.
i'm going ot go to a midnight party and get kocked up and throw my life away
i'm going to brake the promise i made charlie and lead the same damn life he did...
i can stop takign my medication and just let my self die some time soon
i can go in an illegal dirt race and drive my fastest and heck probably even crash and die
there are so many things i can do...



but because as human i have self control i wont. At this point i'm sick of life, again. A bunch of s**t happens in my life. and i'm not jsut talkign about peopel insulting me, or none of that s**t, i'm talkign serious things i never tell anyone cause no one will listen...no one will let me cry on their shoulder... THis is when i need charlie... He didnt lecture me, telling me things i knew. he'd hold me in his arms sayign "its going to be okay" even it it wasnt true, which usually happened to eb the case. and if it was self esteem he'd say "no you're beautiful." and tell me why he thought that. but what do i get from every single ******** person... lectures...lecture after lecture after lecture. all my life i've been lectured on my health, weight, beliefs, looks, everything, lectures are the last thing i need! if i told him i felt unloved he'd make me feel loved. I need charlie, cause no one seems to be able to do that!he never asked "what is wrong" he didnt have to know, all he had to knwo what i was in pain and he had to help. as i know that, if you're in pain then i watn to help, no matter the reason. But i dont have him, btu i do try to live up to what hea tought me. HE was a hell of a better parent figure to me then my very flesh and blood. And the way he died...atleast the last words he told me where of love, not soemthing else... if someone was here seeing me right now then they'd probably care, or they'd prably go insane tryign to call 911... cause i'm "too weak" to handle this without havign to see damn doctors and havign needles in my veins for hours. I'm sick of people hovering over me like i'm some sick little baby....of them takign pitty on my just causei got health conditions. Im still a ******** person and can notice when people are beign nice our of actual kindness or pure pitty. i'm crying, as in tears are comeing out of my eyes and burning my cheeks. my friend sayign he's going to slit his throat, that just clicked my swtich... Was already feeling like s**t, hey lets add a suicidal friend who doesnt seem tocare what woudl happen if they killed themselves... ******** i got enough dead loves in my life to have more. but that doesnt matter cause people just die and we have to go on with life, i'm dead sorry but i wont, and i dont! Then adult, my parents, are so damn stuck in their jobs, in their religion to even notice their own kids, not jsut me, we are in a tremendous amount of pain and are pleeding for even a bit of their attention,of their acceptance, of their love. the rest of the world seems to be a hell load more important for them to do that. the time they take to dedicate to my older brother is used to tell him how he is wrong ot be gay or religion. tie taken to me is how i should lose weight, look more girly, and get a boy friend ASAP. and to my little brother...to spoil that little brat.. He's so damn perfect compared to us...he seems to be their favorite or soemthing. YES i'm jealous! i want to go revolcarme with some random guy off the streets, maybe that'll please them enough to notice me, if not atleast i got their attention... by that oen can tell i do a lot of stupid s**t to get their attention....i shoudl be in juvi but according to my records wiht the phsycologist i'm not someone "in the right state of mind" to understand wrong from ******** that i knwo perfectly what i do. probably should jsut get my self knocked up, hey i'll call their attention for a good while there, wouldnt be good attention, but its something... errr im so infuriated...i'm so sad, so clicked, so depressed... but has anyone been abel to help in the past two years? NO! they try and try, but i'm so deep its impossbale to get out... I'm sick of this... with school coming...oh what a beauty.. just goign to hear how teachers think i shoudl do my work better, beign send to the councler everyday because i'm distracting others by crying silently. I cry every day, not my fault i cant hold it back at school. hek i've been suspended over 7 times just because i'm depressed. ha and they wondee why my attendance is back, its their fault for prohibiting me to get even 10 feet near school campus! i got so used to life beign so horrible i actually started to HATE the good thigns that happen to me..cause they seem so impossable, so unrealistic...so imaginary... everytime i look in the mirror all i seeis a ugly slightly overweight person with no future. i see nothign good. and when i put make up on i alway wonder why i even btoher, i still feel liek i'm goign to look ugly, not jsut cause i knwo that is what others think but also cause that is how i feel... when i dotn feel ugly is when i think of what charlie would say, or if someone i care for tells me they dont believe i'm ugly. everyday wheni leave my "home" i have to pretend to be happy, and usually i cant and show my missery.... here at home i dont haveto worry about someoen seeing me sad cause they'd careless. YOU all wouldnt believe how many times i've cried in tremendous pain and all they did was tell me to shut up and to grow up cause whatever it is it'll pass.. if that where true i'd no longer feel this way... but it isnt true so i still feel what i feel.. for many reasons i feel this...many of which are secrets and only for me to know....cause those are basicly to painfull for me to even say...i told liz one once...as for what it was i wont say and if she is reading and doesnt remember then i'll probably remind her...i know there are peopel far worse thenme..but still canthelp but feel pain...and i'm nto afraid to admit i even pitty my self...a lot i am goign to asume...why do i bother sayign all this... if those that are close to me will only change the way they act for an instant then go back to the way they are... i dont knwo why o bother doing a lot of things....especially living.....

......
ugh... i'm jsut goign to wait to till i turn 18, then leave emideatly, go to the collage i want, then move somewhere where no one can find me. not family or friends...heck maybe even change my name cause i'm no longer proud to be a "Correa"...

...
thank goodness there are journals...random people read it and usually shrugg it off, and care less. and those who dont, i usually consider it pitty. also a perfect way to get tings out of my system...and now i go to count stars....each star representing somethign i want in life, something i shuld remember to continue living, a mistake i've done, regrets...everything...they stand for everything...i also go cause i really do feel liek braking....that means i might go back to the insane hospitale fore a few days if my parents find out! oh what a joy!!!! stare