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Here, my "home". I cant take it! My mom lets her self be manipulated by my dad's stupidity. He just tells me "i love you and will do anythign for your happiness" (s**t liek that) adn then brings it down within two minutes or less saying how he hates me, wishes he had another daughter, and a bunch of other bullshit. My older brother is going to move out when he turns 18 cause himself cant stand it here, and he turn 18 in May!!!! only a few months away, after that what am i going to do? He said he couldnt take me with him cause he would barly be able to hold up for himself, and all. I'm goign to be stuck here with my dad that makes me feel liek s**t, my mother who wont listen cause she obeys my dad too much, and a little brother that looks up to my dad and gets on my ******** nerves everyday saying "you should love dad. he believes in god. if you believe in god you wont die goign to hell" and a bunch of other s**t my dad has told him. My dad always tells my little brother i'm giogn to hell cause i'm a horrible person and that my soul will burn in hell cause i have demons inside me. Its seriously getting on my nerves. My dad always makign me feel liek s**t, like i'm a horrible person, and dont deserve to live cause i cant satisfy his wishes. I want to provoke him sooo badly...
I want to:
-Get pregnant so he can finaly have a good reason to say i'm not a virgin
-Tell him i love a man who is partly black (he's racist towards black people even though WE are part black, and he wont admit it)
-Come home one day with a GIRLFRIEND (he is a homophobic, heck he only "accepts" my older brother cause my mom said she'd through him in jail if he tried something)
-Run away again, that might no even work cause last time i did he promised so much, look at him now going against everythign he promised
-Fail all my classes so he can have a damn good reason to call me stupid
-Get a gun and kill him
-Come home drugged up and waisted
-so many other things...
All that just to get on his case and give him a REAL reason to scream, insult me. And if i manage to do all that, heck he might even kick me out..which would be perfection for me, but as for where i'd go i still dont know, but maybe with one of my friends...some in specific actually...the one i know would help me, and their parents actually like me....

I swear i ******** hate him... I cant stand even his presence anymore! I will never in my life marry, or have anykind of relationship with a man that is like my father. My father has put my family and i through major s**t, i will nto tolerate that from another man. He's let me down soo many times...i lost count..oh god i want to cry to die, to leave this place...


TO answer trisha...by this journal you see NO, i'm not feeling better, actually worse.