January 7, 2012
5:39 pm

His words were still caught in my head. Even days later.
I have so much respect for you.
I thought what I said would have upset or disappoint him.
He tried to hold my hand but I pulled away. I can't. I'm sorry.
He did seem upset, but that word... that word... respect.. escaped his lips.
It made me feel good about myself. Although I did feel bad.. guilty even. I'm not even sure why. To ease my conscience, I decided to explain to him why I wasn't able to hold his hand. About a week before he said he couldn't offer me anything more then a friendship which I wasn't super stoked about, but still... I a friend is better than nothing.
I told him that if we're gonna be 'just friends', we can't do anything over the top like we used to.
He understood... But I guess in a way he still wanted to be able to do certain things.
Hold hands. Hold a gaze. Hold each other.
I feel terrible. I still want to be able to do those things as well it's just.. It would just lead me on. I don't want to become broken hearted again.
GOD I sound like a stupid country song.

After he spent the night I drove him home the next day. The car ride was... depressing? All we could say were nice things about each other.. But that's not the depressing part. The fact that we still love each other is.
Should I continue to get involved? Or will I end up in pieces on the floor?

Before I got to drop him off at home, I had to pick up mom at the hospital. She was finally getting released. I wasn't allowed into her room to get her due to the whole outbreak, but I gave her room a call and told her I was waiting outside. I met her in the lobby with her parka and boots. I knew she would be cold from being weak.
We walked to the car where I helped her in and covered her up. I started the car and we left the hospital behind us and hopefully the drama.

I was wrong

Once we got to Mat's place he seemed more upset than ever. Anxiety perhaps? Maybe what I did tell him upset him more than I thought.
He said he's be okay.. Although I still worried.
A kiss to cheer him up? Maybe it made things worse.

I decided a day out with mom would cheer us both up. She was glad to be out of the hospital so I treated us for lunch. Fries and gravy.. Probably not the best choice for someone recovering from some sort of cardiac problems but she didn't complain.. Only joked.
It's good to be able to spend time with my mom. Just her and I. So I thought.. why not a girls night?

Manicures, pedicures, facials.
I did her nails but I was the only one to get a facial. She didn't hear me when I called her. She finally had cable t.v back and she was in heaven. I didn't mind. As long as she was able to relax without Archie stressing her out.

I wonder why I still feel.....