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Gonna try to sleep soon. Work at 6 am.

Meh.. we talked about the stuff she used to do again. I found out even more.. woo.

found out we weren't in fact, broken up, when she made out with that guy.. so.. yea, it was cheating. .__.''

whatevs tho.. I'm kind of emotionless. I don't even know why knowing about her drug abuse hurts me so much.. but it does. It's just so much betrayal of trust.. and then the fear of what could've happened to her.. it'd be like finding out the one person you love most in life was playing russian roullete with only 1 empty chamber... =___=;

That and the damage she did to herself.. meh.. I'm kind of shallow in that sense too.. when people are like that, I feel like they're damaged goods.. they've been damaged beyond repair, so they're not "100%", they're not.. perfect.

When I was a kid, I used to hate main characters who wore glasses. I couldn't imagine some bad a** hero, jumping and running, wearing glasses. Drugs were totally out of the question.. even now, I can't imagine someone doing those things.. just because it's not like them. Even villains, the evilest of the evil.. I can't see them damaging their brains.. it just doesn't make sense to me...

I know there's the thrills and fun of substance abuse.. but the cost is too much.. losing your brain.. that's just.. too much. It hurts to think of people who do that.. I don't know why so much.

It's kind of funny though.. I got kind of teary eyed while playing my game. My partner from the first game didn't remember my character completely. It really, really upset me. I almost cried. I wanted her to know who I was. It's scripted, she's not supposed to know who you are that early in the game.. but the fact that she just looked at me, talked about her "former partner" and ignored me.. hurt.

I got my feelings hurt by a videogame.. I guess it's because real people keep breaking my heart.. real people just keep hurting me more and more, so I'm used to it now. It's like getting used to bad weather.. it happens so much, it doesn't really bug you as much anymore. Sure, that rain and hail still hurts like a b***h.. but it doesn't really phase you when the storm hits.

Videogame characters dont' do that though.. they're always happy and cheery.. I used to wonder why everyone always insisted on "happy endings" in games.. it would annoy the s**t out of me.. but as I become more pathetic (and I truly am) I'm so happy there ARE happy endings.. because the sad endings, the tragic endings, are too much to bear.. Seeing someone I care about hurt, is too much to bear..

.___.'

Blech.. I'm just.. tired. I'm tired, and I'm hurt. It's weird being numb.. but you can feel a dull throbbing of pain, because you're just so hurt.. you don't want to live anymore, life just.. isn't worth it.. *stares at the sky*

I have to stay by her side.. I kind of feel honor bound, now, y'know? Like.. I feel like I entered into a contract, now I'm OBLIGATED to be there, forever. Like.. it's not a horrible thing, but I just don't feel the "loving" bond I did before. I guess it's cus I'm so hurt right now, but I feel like I"m just with her cus I have no choice, that I'm her guardian, and so I can't leave.

I mean, if I had the choice, I wouldn't.. cus she needs me anyways. She won't be able to function without me. I don't know..

At this current point and time.. "lover" feels like just a title. "Boyfriend" "husband", etc., all feel like.. titles. Like they don't really mean anything, I'm just in it because I'm here to protect her and keep her safe. They call me this and that, cus that's how they see me, but that's not how it is.. y'know?

Meh. She loves me.. she just makes a lot of stupid choice that hurt me more and more.. and they make me question why I stay around.. but I do anyways. Is that love? I don't know. What the hell IS love anyways? It's so.. confusing. I guess it's not meant to be understood, just felt. Like trying to explain color to the colorblind..

You can't explain love to me, cus you can't teach emotion to a robot. D:

Eh.. I'm not a robot. I just feel like one.

Neena tells me that my hurt, my sense of betrayal are all natural. She tells me, I'm not forced to stay with Chloe; I can leave if I so choose, and there will be no negative consequences FOR ME.

But that's the thing.. I can't just think about myself. I'm not that selfish. I can't only do what makes James happy. I hate my name, too; I'm going to start referring to myself as Dart.

I can't only do what makes DART happy. I don't know how to be that selfish anymore. I've hurt too many people in the past, anyways. So I'm staying with her.

I've done it for a while, too. I stayed with people who just totally made me miserable (not saying Chloe makes me miserable) because they needed me around. They needed me to keep them in line.. but in the end, they always do what they want anyways. everyone always does.

It feels kind of like a waste of time, but I know what I'm doing is important. My voice keeps nagging at them, telling them not to do this, and that.. telling them, they'll lose me, but they keep doing it. Eventually though, they reach a point where I'm about to go.. where I feel like, I've lost. I'm starting to give up.. and that's when it clicks, that hey, this guy who's been here since day one, this guy who's been bitching at me all the time, he just wants me to be happy. Then after a while, we'll stay friends.. and eventually fight and drift apart.

It just happens. It happens with everyone who needs me. They need me.. we clash, we part. After I help them get their lives on track.. they vanish. Eh.. I guess I prefer it that way.

There will be a time when Chloe finally has her head on right, when she won't need me around anymore either. When she'll be strong enough to stand on her own two legs.. and if we part, we'll part. I won't want to, at that point.. after everything I've done for her, after all the tears we shared.. everything.. meh. It's not that big of a deal though.If it's meant to happen, it will. I'll be hurt, and I'll just have to move on.

Marriage.. It'd be nice.

It'd be nice to have someone to call my own. A place to live, a happy place. A place where I'm safe. No worries... someone I can lay in bed with. Someone I can come home to, someone I can relax with. Something real..

A fool's dream.

A fool who's been condemned due to his past actions..

except I actually make them out to be a lot worse than they really were.

I try to justify how horrible my luck is..

I wasn't really THAT bad in Chars. I was an a*****e.. but it was mostly misguided anger and hormones. I never made anyone kill themselves. I tried to push Kairi to kill herself, once. Sary, too. Because they hurt me.. they hurt me so badly, I couldn't take it anymore.

I was really cruel to Mallory. because she hurt me so badly....

That's the worst of it, though. I used to pretend to be some big ugly badass.. because that's how Chars was. If you were nice, you got killed. If you were nice, everyone hated you, and your friends got harassed. People would keep targetting you until you snapped, and then when you snapped, you'd be just like them.

I don't honestly deserve all of this.. and my life isn't really that bad. I'm growing up.. I'm maturing. I'm learning that revenge is stupid.. things like that. I don't lash out at people when they've hurt me, I just quietly hurt, and let karma do it's work. It does work, too.. I've seen it in action. -sighs-

Meh. I want to stay with her. I don't know why, but I do. It's a strange feeling. I don't feel any feelings of affection, or love towards her right now. But I do want to stay with her. Maybe I'm just attatched? I don't know. I'm not going to think about it, really. Just.. meh.