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I dont want to love,
It's gotten me nowhere,
It's only brought me pain,
Rarely returned....Rarely even cared for
It's not something someone like me can do
I've tried
I've made myself prettier
More interesting
But I still get shot down....
Since others are just...
So much better than I
Whether it be they're a whore,beautiful,nicer,more perfect, smarter,just plain not me....
I don't want to keep this charade up,
Smiling at the pain
Like it doesn't have any affect
It just keeps digging and digging at my heart.....
It digs at me with a rusted blade,
throwing salt at the wound,
Lemon Juice next....
Then inflicts more and more as the more times I foolishly give my heart away
It's more or less....
a joke.....
a big joke I never got the memo upon....
watching myself fall time after time....
I'm finally giving up...
I'll let myself have that time to fly as I fall
Falling into pieces....
I never truely deserved life to begin with....
I'm here to be laughed at,
Nothing more.
Not to important or special,
Just to be your little joke as life passes by
No one would notice,
To just slip out,
No more of this annoying squeak in your ear
That sudden peace that would fill the air
My idiotic ways gone,
Less stupidity in the world
My burden upon others
Would lift off upon their backs
I'm doing nothing to cause happiness
to cause someone to care
So why would I bother to stay
When theirs nothing to live for
Sure there's alway school
But what's the point
I'm dying young
It's a given.... I know I'll die young
How young?
I'd say within 4 years I'll be dead one way or another
I wont get that lovely push I'm waiting for
It's too easy of a death for me
I'm getting one hellish death,
being able to feel all my body in pain
Screaming out
But no one will help me
It's not really that bad of thought for me...
It's more calming than anything....
just to feel the end of this hell
To know I can finally be gone since I'm not important
Not the one needed
I don't have a big purpose
It's been fufilled already
why am I still here?
******** YOU HEART
it feels so heavy
It's crying....
But my mind could really care less right now
I'd sooner to the blade of a friend to it
Than let it trust and love again
Smiling that they finally did my one wish
The one I told them about the night of my 15th birthday
That year I finally realized I was no longer needed
That I was nothing more than a little toy
Easily replaced, Easily forgotten
I guess.... I'm just that type of person...
I can see many a faces laughing
as they hear the news...
They're saying "finally!" and "Bout time"
Not a single one that wanted me to stay
Funeral time passes...
People come...
They just came to make me look missed
as they leave they're laughing happily as if nothing happened....
Yes, in your head you screaming "NO ITS NOT TRUE!!!"
but.... heh....
why does it all just seem so real if it's not...
Why does this seem to just fit more into the situation than sorrow
I just want to jump in the car's way...
Get it done and over with...
but then.... someone would call for help when I don't want it
and ruin someone's perfectly good car
I'm not worth someone's perfectly good car...
*shrug*....never was
Just... hoping some crazed person stabs me...
I don't want to do it myself... I dont want to fail again
....
......
I want... to just perish...
It's not worth it....
It was never worth it...
How do people live with themselfs?
Maybe I'm just different....
Maybe just born with something else that screams to want to do something with their life and not just sit in a desk for years upon years....
WHY Wont my mind shut up
It can't stop
It just keeps on thinking
I'm screaming at it to stop...
It gets louder,
I tell it to think of nice things,
it just gets worse...
I try to stop thinking all together,
and the thoughts slap me in the face...
...if I just dropped over dead...
it'd save the people around me hassle...
It'd make more room for people that matter...
those that...I'm making suffer by just living...
Me loving....
It's so....
useless....
Why do I even bother?
I can't stop myself...
I really wish I could...
I'm sick of trying to just...
be good enough
Oh yeah, you're probrably thinking, You already were!
No, no I wasn't...Still not...
....I tried so hard....
To loose weight, to be interesting, to just.... be loved...
But I'm not...
I won't be.
But my ******** heart....
Just wants to be warmed by someone else...
IT WONT HAPPEN!
WHY WONT YOU LET ME LOVE!
SINCE YOURE NOTHING! NOTHING MORE THAN A BURDEN!
NOT TRUE
JUST LOOK AROUND YOU!
.....
EXACTLY! YOU'RE JUST A BURDEN... THAT'S ALL YOU WILL BE
....why am I still living then?
Fluke.... You're attempt.... was supposed to-
....UNDERSTOOD NO MORE
But... you want to know more...
No... I really dont!
Your tears scream that you want to know your purpose...
.....I do...
It's a fluke.... You're a special person... without purpose or need....
WHY WONT I JUST DIE THEN!?
....Since... You didn't try hard enough to...
Please.... just let me die....
YOU CAN'T LEAVE.
But I really want to... Please....
We can't always have what we want
....but it's best for everyone..... please...I dont like being that person that causes misery
Too late for that Tiffany. Not only do you cause it upon yourself-but on people around you.
....how?
You're a b***h. You put people down more than you realise.
....How will I die?
....That's up to you really.
Howso?
....I want you to take your own life. Dont make someone else do it for you.
But I just can't.
You can do more than you realize.
But... if I fail again?
You wont the next time you try, trust me
....But.... I dont know who you are
I'm someone you just.... always had with you... You don't really need to know who I am... just that I'm here...
You sound so comforting yet you want me to take my own life....
....I never said I wanted you to, just not have someone stupid do it for you...
Tomorrow?
....That's really just up to you. If you really want to waste your life... Not that it does have any value or anything....do it.
I understand....
of course. You're a smart girl... but.... just a tad... in need... you need someone
BUT NO ONE COULD LOVE ME....
Do you give them a chance?
...I try to....
Jeff?
He's annoying, I'd end up just hurting him really badly in the end....
Would you?
Yes, yes I would.
How about a few other key people? Like your friends? How would they feel?
Relieved....
Are you certain?
Very.
Jordan's bus buddy gone? Kristina's only real friend left? Rayonna's.... let's skip that... Angela's friend that just understands?
....I don't do that much.... they'd move on within hours...
I think they'd cry for months...
I'm not that important....
Oh?
....Why did you suddenly change your attitude towards me?
...Listen, you really wouldn't listen to me if I didn't agree with you for a while, I had to get your attention some way or another...
But... Why so nice? I don't deserve it...
There are many things we don't deserve.... Kindness is one you're deprived of...
I'm not deprived, just undeserving!
You lie to yourself.
...You changed the topic.
The reason you thinkg you're undeserving is because you're deprived of it
Because I didn't earn it.
Kindness is something you dont earn.
Oh yes, and that's why the wicked are hated
and those who help are condemned.
....
As said, you lie to yourself...
To keep away the tears.
Oh? So saying you're ugly is keeping away the tears?
....yes, it tis... That way I don't question why I can't just seem to appeal to males.
It's highschool, guys think everyone is icky that's not a whore.
...So I should be a whore to be loved?
NO! Not what I'm getting at. You just...
Need to forget about being loved and just die already?
No, you need to focus on school.
....It's not worth it.
....I can't really argue about that, but just do school work, forget about wanting to be loved.
BUT I CANT!
How did you manage to live through 8th grade?
Obsessing over someone who could never love me back....
.... Would it have been easier if you just hadn't?
Probrably, It would've saved me a ton of summer heartache....
You loved him... he would never love you back... yet all you really wanted for him was his happiness....
Yes
Okay for now.... I'm just done... probrably will be edited to add more to it...
 Jello Challenged · Thu Sep 28, 2006 @ 03:28am · 0 Comments |
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