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Could You Care?
Ack. I'm in another one of those "moods". I feel like I'm going to explode. I wish I could just get up and leave everything...Just leave and never come back. One day I will though. One day I'll get out of this hole in the wall and I'll discover things. I'll never have to come back here so long as I live. My friends...I'll get new ones. Mine don't really care anyway. No one can see behind anything with me. I could be breaking up into pieces on the inside, but the world passes by as normal on the outside. The skies are blue, the sun is shining, so theres no reason to be upset. Life passes by as ususal and another day passes. I can barely keep up with how fast my life is passing me by.
Apperently another week has gone by. A year or two ago, it felt like I had all the time in the world to just sit and smell the ******** roses. Now look at me. I don't know if I'm depressed or just crazy. The world is a strange place, and the people inside it are even stranger. I fell like I really can't identify with anyone at this point. I'm just...stuck.
I've decided that I never want another boyfriend so long as I live. I'll never get married either. I just can't do it. I don't think I could give anymore of myself to anyone. I feel like I don't have anything left to give. Its all just..empty and bare and painless. Everyone I've ever loved, or thought I've loved...Is just..Its not what I can do. No one understands what I'm going through, much less me. If no one understands who you are, how can they love you? I guess thats how it'll end for me. Alone, old and perpetually sick in the heart. It won't matter then. I'll have my memories to keep me company. I don't need anyone. Not anymore.
I want to just end everything right now. Everything. But if I do that, then I'll never have the chance to experience the life I think will make me happy. I can't afford to miss that. I can't afford to not be here when my life finally kickstarts. I suppose that means I just have to wait and bide my time before I can go.
Thats what I'm really afraid of though; not existing. No matter what anyone says, theres nothing beyond life. I can't imagine not being here, and I don't ever want to leave. God and paradise and all that crap is just that; a hoaxe to make people have "faith". I don't have any faith anymore. Its too convenient a theory. I wish I had someone to hold onto right now, but no ones here. I'm all by myself again.
All over again..
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![.-=[P u r p l e]=-.](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/8d/ac/7dbd592e7ac8d.png?t=1190874258_5.00_00 ".-=[P u r p l e]=-.")
Community Member
You can always have me.
I have faith in you.