Monday, April 16, 2007
Current mood: crazy
Category: Blogging
[Typed exactly-ish like my penmanship.]
[This starts in after I started writing on paper... A lot of this entry actually started on my arm, but it has washed off by now. It didn't make sense anyway... It was rambling.]
i'm not afraid of the doctors themselves, it's the things they know. It's what it means if i'm wrong. I wasted time. I wasted money. I caused stress that needn't be. Worry that shouldn't've been. i was wrong, it was all in my head. i could've fixed it. If only i tried.
Why do i hink about thinking about what i'm thinking or feeling? Doesn't that make the original thinking/feeling all the more fake, unfelt? Then why do i continue to not be able to handle myself. Why am i still hurt? It's only in my head... if i change it... can i change it... i can. i should. but i still can't remember. Why can't i remember. i'm just not trying hard enough. If there's something wrong with my brain why didn't the doctors catch it? What's really wrong with me?
i'm still convinced it's all in my head.
But i'm losing my head.
i can talk myself out of or into anything. Why? Is it a surviving technique? Something so i don't have to face the truth. Something i picked up from my mother. "Joe wasn't tha bad." No... No. He must've been. I'm not sure anymore but he must've been. Why else does his mere name scare me? If i hear Randy cough from in the bedroom i think "no, Joe, don't wake up!" She says he wasn't bad, that Billy deservd it. She makes me question my sanity. God help me. What's true? What isn't? I can never figure out what's real or not. My friends raped me, but i let them. Real or not? I remember it all clear as day, but mother would say it was just a dream. Real or not. I can't do my Algebra. Can I not remember it or was I not paying attention? I have the notes but why can't I do it? Real or NOt! What's me? What isn't! Now that i'm getting worked up, now that i'm scared to see the true problem... i'm talking myself out of it. i'm thinking about feeling. And now thinking about thinking about feeling. It's how i ignore. Real or not...
i feel exhausted. i only want to sleep. But then i want to be awake. i want to see the sun. i want to know i'm real. But damnit, im exhuasted. My eyes burn from all the crying. I still have tears left.
And i'm hungry.
what will life be like tomorrow? that question makes me all the more exhuasted. i don't want to deal with what's next. i want it to happen, be over, whatever it is. I just don't want the work that's involved. i don't want to think, feel, or know it's happening. i want and don't want life. Earlier i was watching as the kids walked to their class. It must be great to be God or a ghost. You get to watch life and when you're tired of it, it's not that difficult to turn it off.
i think i'm feeling better. At least my handwriting seems a lot calmer. The part i wrote first, the part on my arm, doesn't even look english. Lol, oh well.
Out of habit, i want to say "i wish i were...", but it's not true. i don't wish i were doing anything else. It actually doesn't matter to me at all. At least it's quiet here and no one's talking to me. i'm afraid to move, i want this near-serenity to last. heh, that's why it's so hard to get up in the mornings sometimes. i just wish peace could last. Minus the hungry feeling. I wouldn't mind moving for some food.
- natasha.
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Love, Suicide, and Graves
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