Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Current mood: blah
Category: Blogging
[Typed exactly-ish like my writing on the paper before me.]
heeelp meee...!!!
i want to paint. i want to paint badly. why is painting so easy? the processes... i don't think i could ever forget them. i could forget how to write, how to speak, how to bLink, but i will never forget how to paint. it's so natural. it makes me feel like nothing else.
maybe i will finish my painting at home tonight. That would be lovely. i think i'LL try for that.
oy.
i'm forgetting days very eaily now. i keep forgetting today is tuesday though i semi-know i'm supposed to hang out with kat today and i semi-know that the day (today) i was supposed to hang out with her on is Tuesday. Why do i keep thinking it's Thursday? or... even no day at aLL. Time seems to stand still anymore. it's weird. almost comforting. But definitey not how i shouLD feel, right? it means i forget things i shouLD do. But, haven't i always had a problem with that? This doesn't really feel the same. God, i hope i'm not making a deal out of nothing.. She said though... She said i shouLdn't second guess myself. That i was in a bad wreck. I did almost die. Maybe it's not in my head. Maybe i'm not making it up. ...i'm afraid of being crazy, but it seems that my fear is only confirming that i am, or making me that way. heh.
Real or not?
i've decided i'm going to stuDy. maybe that's all i need. That's what mom says...
that's also why i can't believe myself.
i studied imperfect tense in French... it's good. i... know some things. But i can't remember why/when you use it or what it means. Like "vous choisissiez"... Is that "you chose" or "you would choose"? Damnit...
Now though, i am in Algebra II and... i can't do it. i understand the concept of substitution but the other things... i don't get them. (The other parts of the substituting) (like how can 2x=0. Do I need to divide the 2? Then why didn't the worksheet example do that? and how come it randomly split the entire thing? it was 2x(x-4)=0. They just made it 2x=0 x-4=0 and left it. NN.)
i feel stupid.
i don't want to do this.
Why is anyone made to learn this?
We all forget it anyway.
..."All" being the majority.
Whatever...
I feel like this writing s**t is helping me. When i write things down, it makes me realize and rethink things. But... it makes me feel very alone. No one is listening. I'm just reading myself as i ramble. And because i'm rambling, it makes me doubt that anyone wouLd understanD even if they were listening. Yeah. it makes me realize a lot.
I'm rather hungry, discourageD, helpless, hopeless. I'm going to hang out with Kat, but i'm afraid to because i am those things. i don't want to bring her down with me. How can i make her smiLe when i can't force myseLf? And that knowledge makes me feel even worse. i don't want to be alone. i don't want anyone to know; dragging them down, too, defeats my whole purpose of life. Maybe i can fake happiness or at least make some jokes by the time i'm with her. It's a shame i won't be able to hide my eyes though. They feel tired and pathetic to me, i'm sure they must look it.
- natasha!
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