Thursday, April 19, 2007
Current mood: blank
Category: Blogging
[Typed to mimick my handwriting.]
i feel very... very paranoiD in this dress. ...Because it shows how fat i am; my a** is. but maybe that's a good thing. it'll further my motivation to lose weight. i really want to. Damnit. i wiLL.
So i talked to him last night. He was in a bad mood so i left him alone. i don't want to annoy him. Guh, i wish that ******** couLd be happy.
i'm tired, though i shouLdn't be. i slept at least 8 hours last night. It's probably because i just don't want to deal with today. Or any day. i want to be asleep. to be inside myself. no one can look at me there. AnD nothing can bother me for real there. i'm usually comfortable. (Nightmares don't count. I've gotten so useD to nightmares. They just don't bother me anymore. i know they're horrifying anD that they wouLD scare the s**t out of anyone else. But not me. Not anymore. That's a little weird, i guess, but it's actuaLLy kind of nice, too. No fear. No worries.) Anyway... i wish i was asleep. i wish i was alone. It'd be oh-so nice. ^.^
This thing... the way i want to be... it's different from the last time(s) i was this way. Last time(s), i wouLd really be alone. i'd find a way, anD if i wasn't, the entire time i was looking for a way. But now i know that being alone doesn't help and thta experiencing nothing isn't what i really want. Even if i end up not having a good time, at least i did something, at least i trieD to make myself happy and along the way kept my friends content. I won't reclude and i won't die on the outside.
It's rather quiet and peaceful in here. God, that's good. Moments like these are great. I'm in a room full of people, but they're all silenceD, each focused on a different topic. They're thnking, they're half-way at peace. It calms me down. **smile** They're lovely to watch when they're like this. ALL of them are reading. It makes them mysterious, really. Because they're quiet, because they're thinking i can't know anything about them. i like that. Mystery is forever intriguing.
Whoa. i looked over... and this one girl... she has her heaD on the desk, turned this way. The expression she haD was shocking. I wish i couLD've had a picture of it. It wouLd've been nice to draw.
Whoa again.... i'm in Algebra now and i know i shouLD know how to do this stuff. But my minD completely blanks whenever i sit down to do it. IT takes me twice, maybe longer, as long to do a problem as any other kid. it's cause i have to wait until the step comes to me, 'tiL i remember what i have to do. HeLL, i haven't had Algebra I since 9nth grade and anything i did in Algebra II (A) i've forgotten mainly because of the wreck. Damnit. This class i'm in now is big and the teacher goes a bit too fast, skipping steps and expecting me to remember the steps within the steps. u.u But i can't. It's pathetic of me, sure. i'm going to have summer school, i know. But oh-well, i guess. i have to do well in my other classes now though. To make up for Failng Algebra II.
Bleh.
i wish i had more to talk abouT now, but i'm not too sure.
They're talking about prom. A kid asked me if i was going and i told him no. I'm not going. he gave me a really weird look... and said, "Well, you've always been a bit different." ..= Well, thank you, i guess. i just don't care to go to prom my junior year. i don't have anyone i want to go with anD, well, what's the point? i still have next year to doll up and blow money on a dress for one nght. i'LL do it next year when it might mean something. It'LL be my fareweLL or something like that. The last and first time i stand in a crowD of almost sweaty people i've known for 7 years and watch them and wonder how paranoid are the girls? How much does this actually mean to them, and will someone explain the point of prom to me? Now, i'm not being negative nor am i dissing the whole event. IT's interesting, really, and i'd like to know what everyone's reason for getting all workeD up abouT prom for is. It's just... interesting. How we allow ourselves to get so worked up and so attached... When... this whole thing really only seems to be for comparing one person from the other. It's a competition. Every girl wants to be the prettiest and wants to stand out. They want to arrive in a fashion that says something. Hopefully that somethng will be more amazing than your something. Of course, there are other things involveD in the event... Like making memories and having the chance to feel better than you usually do. But the whole planning stage before the prom... And it's not really such a bad thing. I'm not able to judge what's bad or good. There're two sides to both arguements. it's hard to discern which is better when... really the middle's probably he best. taking good side's from both and combining them. Do things ever work out that way? Do things ever think that way...
There's stiLL 20 minutes left of class. Aye. i think i'm ready to go home. But really... i'm not anxious for anything anymore. i'm just here. and i'm just enjoying the moment (K, sometimes i'm just-ing the moment.) It feels weird to truly not care. But whatever. It seems like a good thing. Guess it doesn't reaLLy matter either way.
What's my favorite sense...? Y'think it'd be vision cause of the whole art deal, but... i don't know. Things are always beautiful to look at... but it's different with smell. When you find a good smell it's... it holds more weight. And sound is great, too... *really only comparing 3 senses* Smell's best connected to memory... It's probably everyone's favorite then, right? The best to have though is vision. Over half my life would be over if i could not see. I love to watch things, people way too much. Yeah, that wouLd be horrible... to go blind now. What would i do? I ... don't think I'd kill myself. No. I definitely wouldn't kill myself. i might go insane though. For a very long time. it'd be hard to adjust. Living in the dark after having known light. it'd be an eviL switch.
10 minutes. now i want to go home. i don't know why and i don't know what to do. But it'd be comfortable to be home. it's a grey, wet day. i need to be curled up 'n warm.
Lmao.
"i give up."
"well, make sure you ask Ms. Kendall first thing tomorrow about what you don't understand before the test."
"will do." it was so monotoned. XD
- natasha.
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