• There’s something different when you’re trained to block out the world around you. When you feel the cold steel of a gun pressed against your hand.
    He always told me the wind feels different after you killed your first person.
    Al l eyes are always on you. Judgmental, accusing… it never ends.
    But you learn to brush it off.

    I scoffed mentally at his words as I cocked my PSG-1 sniper rifle, closing my right eye.
    Steady…
    The target came into view.
    Wait…
    He moved a little to the right, shifting on his feet as he took out his phone. I turned my rifle ever so slightly, aim and fired.
    There was a cloud of blood behind him and he crumpled to the ground. I quickly took apart the gun, packing it back up in the carrier case. I stuff it into a backpack, shouldering it. I ran down the steps of the building, meeting Syrus downstairs.
    He was the one who taught me everything I knew. All the techniques to staying calm, even when the police are on our tail, all the ways to kill a man, from hand-to-hand combat, to using a handheld gun or a semi-automatic sawed off shotgun.
    Everything.
    “Get him?” It was a foolish question.
    I nodded. My bag seemed heavier. Why didn’t I just say ‘yes’?
    “Something wrong?”
    “No… I just feel weird... Probably getting sick. It’s nothing.”
    “Your job is done. You don’t have to keep your guard up.”
    I sighed, relaxing my shoulders as I walked down the street, hand in hand with him. We were playing the part of a married couple so nobody suspected anything amongst the commotion. A crowd was forming around the man. He was wearing a very expensive Armani suit. I’m sure Syrus was silently cursing me for that. He loved those Italian made suits. Considering he was wearing one now and looked amazing...
    I shook my head. I shouldn’t be thinking about things like that. He’s my superior officer AND we weren’t in the clear yet. There were cameras everywhere and even if I was well hidden, they might have caught me coming out of the direction the bullet came from.
    “You know everything is alright, right? He fell in a way that doesn’t show where the shot came from. Even IF the tapes caught it, why would they suspect you? This is an assignment. You completed it and it’ll be covered up.”
    “I never understood how you could put so much faith in your commanders. I don’t trust them one bit.”
    “You trust me, correct?”
    “Yes sir..”
    “Then you trust them. I trust them.”
    I remained silent until we got into the car. He started driving back to headquarters when sirens rang out behind us. My heart slammed in my chest as I looked in the mirror.
    “Stay calm.” He instructed, slowly pulling over.
    A sheriff came up to the window. “Did you realize, sir, that you have an expired license plate tag?”
    “I left the other one at home. I’m sorry.” Syrus explained.
    “I’m going to have to give you...” he stopped, looking over at me. I paled even more than I already had. “Ma’am are you alright?”
    I nodded. He looked down at my bag. I knew he was suspicious. “Would you mind opening the bag.”
    Syrus gritted his teeth slightly. I slowly opened the bag when Syrus slammed on the gas, tearing off into the night.
    “I didn’t realize... I thought it was in the trunk.”
    “Syr—“
    “Don’t speak!” he barked. I closed my mouth, holding on to the “oh s**t” handle above the door. He easily topped 100 mph, with no signs of slowing. The officer came up behind us. I closed my eyes. This isn’t happening.
    “Get our your gun.”
    “NO!” I practically yelled. “He has NOTHING to do with this. I WONT.”
    He reached over, grabbing my chin. He wasn’t watching the road now; he was staring into my eyes. That burning stare that almost hurt.
    “You. Will. Get it out, and KILL him.” He let me go. I could feel my skin bruising as I unloaded the gun, turning around.
    He’s never touched you so aggressively… my mind was reeling. He’s always respected you. Always had the highest hopes for you and NEVER told you to kill somebody that wasn’t a part of the mission…

    I didn’t know what to do.
    So I fired. I hit the officer right between the eyes. I turned around, tears spilling from my eyes.
    We arrived back at headquarters and I filled out the paperwork necessary for when things like this happened.
    Then I had to go to the room…

    It was an awful place… a place where men go crazy with guilt. Where their screams from years ago still echo off the walls.

    I hate this room.

    He sat me down. “It was necessary. I couldn’t jeopardize—“
    “Nothing is EVER necessary with what we do.” I spat back at him, only to get a sharp slap across the face.
    “You will address me with respect, do you understand me?” He grabbed my face again, making my eyes meet his. I didn’t answer and he pressed his fingers harder into my jaw “Do you UNDERSTAND ME?”

    I nodded, numb with fear.

    Fear…

    That’s something I haven’t felt in a while.. And it something I never should have felt because of a partner.