March 19, 2011 Saturday 4:02PM
The end. It came today.
At 1:27PM Nucc came over. I was worried that something had happened to him, as he was much later than usual. It ends up that he took 52 and there were some damn kids on the highway playing, and there was a lot of traffic. I was upstairs, trying to nap, visualizing him waking me if he came up. The doorbell rang several times, I knew it was him. I went downstairs. Coupons. Portabello sandwich and frisco melt.
Straightaway we went to Steak n Shake. Trivial conversation in the car. We got there and ate lunch. I the portabello, he the frisco melt. I asked him if Dell had sent him the laptop yet. He shook his head. I asked why. He said he didn't want to talk about it.
We went home. Corey and his friends outside, two with no shirts on, playing basketball.
Up to my bedroom.
He closed the curtains and sat on the bed. His left leg bent, his right on the floor.
"Stephanie, I have to tell you something." He looked me in the eyes. "I'm having second thoughts." His eyes were watering. I thought he meant at first our marriage, not our relationship. "I'm sorry."
I said, "I am too."
It was us. Our relationship. He said that he should have told me this a while ago, and it would've been too hard next week. He said that I deserve better than him.
He said, "I love you. I'll love you for a [while?]. Probably forever. But I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with you."
So many tears.
He said he felt bad, because he didn't want to lead me on any longer.
I remember hugging him, my arms around his. I grabbed his t-shirt in the back, which read on the front "I'm a giver, not a fighter."
I choked and said, "I hate you." My voice high and nearly inaudible.
"I deserve that." he said.
"I don't mean it."
I remember apologizing to him for saying that I hated him. I told him that I would rather we break up like this, than us be mad at each other. He agreed. He said that it wasn't my fault. It was his change in feelings.
He said that he had been distant the past week because he needed to think this over, what exactly what he wanted to say, to do.
I remember asking him if I could kiss him. He lightly shook his head and said, "Probably not." I smiled and said it was okay. Yet... he slowly turned my way, his tongue slightly out. One kiss. Wonderful.
This is the tragic feeling I've always had about our relationship. This tragedy. But, I never dreamed it would be like this. I always thought that we would kill ourselves before we ever broke up.
"This is probably the hardest thing I've ever done." he said, tears rolling from his red eyes.
"Ross. Please, don't feel guilty if I die sometime. There isn't anything holding me back now."
"oh, god." he muttered.
"Please, don't feel guilty. It won't be your fault at all." I tried to laugh it off and say, "I'm not gonna kill myself this month, or the next, but sometime in the future."
He said this is why he didn't know how to tell me. I asked,
"What, you or me dying?"
"Pff." I muttered. I told him that this wasn't some ploy to make him change his mind. He said he knew that. I had to steal a tissue box from First Sister's room.
So many tears.
I asked him sometime in the middle of all this if he would at least stay for the award ceremony. He shook his head and said no, that he wouldn't be able to stop crying.
I remember in the beginning he said something about us being friends, and staying in contact with each other for the rest of our lives.
I recall him saying something about our engagement in the beginning, and I commented with a weak laugh, "We were only together for two and a half months." We were hugging each other at this time, crying on each other's shoulders.
I remember saying to him sometime that "I'm whispering because if I speak louder I'm going to cry harder." He nodded.
He said he should get going. He said to me, "Since you asked me a favor, may I ask you one?"
"Can I use your bathroom?"
A weak smile and laugh, I said yes.
When he got out, he said I didn't have to walk him out. I said I didn't mind.
We went downstairs. I asked him, "Please wait for me while I get my shoes." He said okay. When I got back and put on the shoes, I asked him if he wanted the ring back.
"The what?" he asked, for I was mumbling as usual.
"It's your choice[decision?]."
I wasn't sure. He said we could think about that later. He opened the door and let me out before him.
I put my hands out of my pockets in case he wanted to hold hands. He pulled out his satellite app on his phone.
"Can I ask one last favor?"
"What is it?" Sad eyes.
"Can we have one last picture together?" He said yes. We went to the garage, as he said that he didn't want shirtless boys in the background. I told him that I wanted it taken at a time when we weren't crying. It took two tries, as the first didn't take. He sent it to me right there. Walked back to the car.
"Have a safe trip home."
He put his things in the car.
He said something like "I think a hug is due." or just "A hug?"
My right arm over his shoulder, my left around his waist.
"I miss you already." He softly said.
"I love you."
"I love you too." He whispered.
We broke off.
Crying, I walked back towards the front door. As usual, I waited on the front step for him to go. A low wave from him, from both of us.
Dear dream; the end.
[End Log] 4:51PM
Poison Fairy Sennyo