April 19, 2011 Tuesday 10:57PM
My dearest Sennyo,
It's hard to believe that my heart was broken only a month ago. It feels like so much longer has passed...
Panda's boyfriend broke up with her yesterday. He had a seizure last Wednesday and she said that he was just going through too much, was incredibly insecure in the same way I was/am towards Nucc, and Rachel was too much to handle in his life at this time, so she said. She brought it up ever so calmly at lunch today. I embraced her for a long time twice that period.
I wanted to tell you this last week, but I never got to it: I believe it was last Wednesday that I was feeling very physically lonely and was thinking about asking Glass for some favors. However, I know in my heart that if I did go all the way with him in the condition my heart still is in right now, I would become even more messed up than I already am.
I told Glass this Thursday afternoon on the bus. He said he understood, and he felt that way too after his breakup with Amy. But, then he said that he shouldn't be punishing himself for Amy breaking up with him, and that he should continue to try to be happy, hence why he was okay with having sex with RB.
I'm still glad I didn't do it.
I told him that I used to want to be friends with Nucc again. No longer is that really the case. In a way, I never want to see him again. I don't want to be friends with him again, knowing that there was something between us that didn't work out. I wouldn't be able to handle it. "I do miss your companionship" my a**.
Oh, right, two Wednesdays ago when Nucc wrote me that PM: he apologized for breaking my heart, and said that it hurt him more than he had expected it to even though he had come to terms with our breakup before it had even happened. Just like him, trying to be so analytical. He said that although I may not realize it now, our relationship was very one-sided and I did far more for him than he did for me. He said that there will be many others that will treat me better than he did. He said that I was the best person for him, despite being far from his first.
That I shouldn't think that he was the best thing to ever happen to me, since he was many of my firsts and so I therefore "lack a point of reference."
I never told you, did I, Sennyo? I told TigerX that I didn't want to go to prom with him anymore, especially after reading Nucc's PM about rebounds. Nucc is right. If I went to prom with TigerX, I know that I would only get attached to him especially if we did friends-with-benefits things together and since he has feelings towards me. TigerX isn't angry with me though, thank goodness.
I invited Whitey to go to prom with me, though after a day or so he said he couldn't go due to lack of money and worrying about being a bad date for me. I was a bit bummed, I'll admit. I'm certainly over it now though. I have plans to go with Victory and hopefully Glasses as well to prom, and we'll be eating at Steak n Shake before hand.
Today's episode of Glee really hit me. Carl left Emma and Holly left Will. Both pained me equally. Emma was married, and Will and Holly... I guess they just weren't a good pair together. I feel like Nucc and I were like Holly and Will, respectively.
Sennyo, I hate this. I hate thinking about him. I absolutely do. I can't stand thinking about him, and thinking about all the other women he has been with. I hate it.
Please, Sennyo... I gave you up for him. Now that he's gone, what now? What do I do? What do I do with my life? I don't know how to live for myself, Sennyo, you know that.
Please rescue me, someone...
I hate you.
[End Log] 11:18PM
Poison Fairy Sennyo