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So it's been about a month since I've had my son as a single dad. I have to say, it's been...good and bad.
I've gotten less sleep now then I ever had in my entire life as an insomniac and I find myself worrying about the future more when before I was just like, whatever happens, happens. There's times when I really wish I had someone to support me and I kick myself all the time for being as...sexually active as I was.
But there's good times to. Just knowing that he's mine and he's going to lead a happy life (come hell or high water he's not going through any of the crap I had to go through) is enough to get me through the stress of worrying about bills and money and all that.
I've never been so...reluctant about going to school. Okay, well I have but this is different. I like my courses...lol. I mean, I don't want to leave him for a full day and not get to see him till dinner time and just long enough to bathe him and put him to bed. But I can't move down to where I go to school or I'd have no one to look after him. And I can't just bring him with me to school, he wouldn't get to go to preschool then.
And preschool, damn am I freaked out about that. I've checked out the school, it's awesome. Great people, great cirriculmn and activities and all that other stuff and it feeds right into an elementry school that has one of the best cirriculmns I've come across. But other kids? I keep wondering if he'll be sociable and if he'll make friends. Or if he'll be ignored and end up getting beat up in higher grade school.
I don't think I've ever worried this much about another person's life before. It's weird. I mean don't get me wrong, I worry about my girlfriend, my family and friends. But I've never had to take care of another human before. It's all so new, exciting and scary.
I guess it doesn't help that he's not offically 100% mine until Monday. Once Monday rolls around I can legally give him my last name and his whore of a mom can't take him back, EVER....which kind of scares me in a way.
But, I love him to death, he's my son. MY son. Ha, and here I was saying I'd never have kids. I wouldn't trade him up for anything. Everytime he does something new, I get so proud of him. Everytime he meets a challenge or learns something different I get this sense of pride that hey, I'm doing something right.
He's just this awesome bundle of energy and curiousity and it's so... awesome? great? exciting? to be the one who helps to satisfy his curiousity and help him grow into the intelligent man I can tell he's going to be.
I probably sound really arrogant there...ha. I can't help it, I'm not the smartest out there and knowing that my son is going to be a brainiac makes me happy. I'm not going to go flaunt that though, it'd be bad for him, make him over prideful. I'm going to congradulate him on jobs well done though, there has to be a balance.
Anyway, I guess it finally sunk in tonight that he's mine for at least 17 more years. Once he gets his new birth certificate, I can't go back. And I don't think I want to. He's changed me in so many ways for the better and he doesn't even realize it. I only hope I can be a good enough dad to make sure he lives to become who he is supposed to be.